Lucky Star: Left Behind
by Symantra
Summary: Time is one of the most profound factors that affect our lives. That's what Miyuki always says. I didn't give it much thought at first. Everyone is affected by time, right? So, when high school ended, I thought, "friends forever." But later, I learned that nothing is really forever. It all changes. One day, we could suddenly wake up alone, or find our friends slowly slipping away.
1. Chapter 1: Insignificant

_You know, it was complacency that was the problem. I can blame everybody around me, even the people who weren't at fault, even my friends, even.. no, especially the people who really were at fault. But there was nobody to blame except for myself. I shouldn't be blaming people at all, but I can't help it. What else am I supposed to do?_

 _I'm not even sure at this point. It seems like I have a habit of overthinking things. If I were to put all my thoughts into words, it should only really total up to a couple lines of text. But I have a habit of going on and on, losing myself in my own thoughts. I guess it makes up for all the things that I want to say but don't, instead I fill my speech with whatever comes to mind- usually just a bunch of things related to my lifestyle and interests. It's funny, because when I think about it, these are all things that an introvert would empathize with. If you've ever met me in person, you know why this is ironic. On the outside, I'm anything but an introvert. Oh.. Do you see what I mean when I say that I go on and on?_

 _Anyways, I never saw it coming. I guess I had just assumed that we would always be together. The four of us, we should have shared a bond that was adamantine. Unbreakable. Nothing would ever come between us. Not even when high school ended, and we were all destined to go separate ways. It was that complacency that led me astray. I had forgotten that time was the one thing that always had its way. It was the assumption, that we would always be together, that blinded me to the thing that had the potential to pull us apart._

 _ **Insignificant**_

The bell rang. It wasn't impressive, nor was it interesting in any way. But I had always liked the bell, and not just because it signaled the end of the class period.

One reason I liked the bell was because it was always on time. I thought of it as dependable, consistent, like that one person who's always there, whether they're important or not. The character who may not have an extremely involving role, but they're just there all the time. They don't need to be heroic, or brave, or even interesting. It's enough that you can always depend on them to be in the right spot at the right time. That's how I feel about the bell. It's always going to ring at the exact same time each day. Not a minute earlier, not a minute later. You can feel when its going to ring, and you watch the clock, and you wait.. and there it is.

Of course, the other reason I liked the bell was because it meant the period was over. That was a given. In particular, the bell I liked the most was the lunch bell.

"Hey guys!" There she was. Kagami always came over at lunch to sit with us. It was pretty lame that she was in the other class, but it's practically next door so it isn't that bad.

"Ka-ga-miiiiii!" I drawled, stressing each syllable of her name but dragging out the last one as I draped by arms over the desk's surface. Tsukasa and Miyuki greeted her, and Kagami returned their acknowledgements, but I could tell she was focused on me.

"Hmm? What is it this time, Konata?" She asked me in a brusque tone, but she wore an accommodating smile that gave it all away.

"You know what to do. Pet me!" I joked and grinned at her reaction, which was to turn her head and snort derisively. I quickly covered up with a pout when she turned her shining violet eyes on me once again.

"What are you, a cat? You know, people only like cats if they're cute. If you were actually one, you wouldn't get so much as a glance." Kagami retorted as she sat down in the seat between me and Tsukasa, the girl she was related to by blood. It was amazing- the scientific or genetic or whatever process that gave birth to these two gave them startling similarities, but the difference in personality was almost literally written on their faces.

"Hmm.." The younger twin tilted her head back a little bit to look upwards at a nearly flat angle. She drew her lips into a line, pursing them ever-so-slightly. I knew that this was her thinking expression, and what made it obvious was the thoughtful humming that came from her general direction.  
"I think Kona-chan would be really cute if she were a kitty!" After a couple moments Tsukasa reached her conclusion, surprising all of us with a rather nice mental picture of myself in feline form. It wasn't that strange, since I practically shared the same facial expression with most cats.

"Yeah, I guess that cat Konata would be cute." I feigned reluctance as I admitted this, already planning out my next words.  
"But I think we can all agree that I'm sexier if I dressed up as a cat! Right, Kagamin?"

"Eh? What the heck kind of question is that? And why are you directing it at me?!" She was startled but recovered quickly and came back with a vengeance. I met her glare with a sleazy smirk.

"Hey, don't worry Kagamin. I.. we'll just have to be careful when I do my cosplay, or else some of my _neko_ costumes might get torn up."

"Hey, leave me out of your dirty fantasies!" Kagami complained, and I saw that her cheeks were starting develop a pink tint. Sure, she blushed like any other girl, but she rarely did so and only when something embarrassing came to mind, but that required her to be thinking.. about.. something mature..

While I was thinking about it, I hadn't noticed her hand slowly stretch out and land on my head. I let out a small gasp- purely out of shock, not any sort of excitement or anything- and felt a little warmth bubbling in my chest.

"Well, I guess you can be a little cute. When you aren't being a complete pain in the neck, that is." Kagami admitted, stroking the top of my head gently. It was a rare moment of kindness, when her temper dropped below zero and her hostility disappeared. I'm not calling her mean or anything, it's just the way she was. Moments like these were the ones that never failed to remind me about that loving, caring side of Kagami.

"Ahaha, see? You do like to pet me. No shame in it, no shame in it, petting each other is something that we should all do from time to time."

Kagami grunted, lightly tapping me on the head as a reminder of not to ruin this moment. I took it to heart and hummed in agreement then hid my face in my arms- just in case I looked like I was overly enjoying this.

Miyuki, who was sitting opposite of Kagami, hadn't said anything so far. A quick peek revealed that she probably didn't plan to either. She was the girl with abundance in the volume of her hair and her bust, and her wide eyes behind the round lenses that told you everything about how she was feeling. The only catch was the way her mind worked: quickly, calculatingly, and in ways that should be impossible. I can never tell what she's thinking, and right now is no exception.

It was our typical lunch routine, with the only modification being the conversation. We all sat in the same spots, took out the same lunches. With Kagami to my left, Miyuki to my right, and Tsukasa across from me, we made a pretty diverse group. The otaku, the type-A tsundere, the airhead, and the glasses girl. The anime enthusiast, the hard worker, the innocent one, and the perfect student. Yeah, we covered every area.

"Hey. Mind if I sit here?" Someone spoke up from behind us. It was a boy's voice, and I could tell that before I even turned to look at him. He was standing a reasonable distance away, and he was smiling gently for no apparent reason. I didn't recognize him from this classroom, so I automatically placed him as one of the kids from Kagami's class.

"Hmm? Oh, hey. What are you doing here?" Kagami turned around and greeted him. While she didn't immediately welcome him, (It was obvious by the way she answered a question with a question) it was clear by the tone of recognition in her voice that she at least had seen him before. Although we were definitely not in any dangerous situation, I felt a bit safer knowing that Kagami wasn't too friendly with this guy.

"Just visiting. My friend wanted me to visit him at lunch, and it just so happens that he's in the same room you visit every day." He shrugged, then as if on cue someone calls out to him from across the room. He looks up, then looks back at us with a smile that seemed almost apologetic before he walked over to the boy who had yelled out.

"Who would that be, Kagami-san? I believe you're acquainted with him?" Miyuki spoke up for the first time since Kagami had entered the room.

"Oh, he's just from my class. Name is Kazuo Fukui. He's the class president." She told us with a shrug like it was unimportant. I agreed with her- he wasn't that important.

"Oh ho hoh, the class president huh? Aren't you the head representative?" I grinned, seeing room to make a potential tease. Kagami looked at me with slightly narrowed eyes, the cogs in her head turning to figure out where I was coming from.

"Yeah.. What about it?" She asked slowly, not quite reluctantly but she sounded unsure.

"Could this be the start of a romance within the student council? The class pres and the head rep, a relationship that everybody saw coming except for they?" I chuckled to myself, even though I was under attack by one of Kagami's withering gazes. My laughter stopped after the rather disturbing image of Kagami standing next to this new guy, their arms intertwined-

"Well, maybe not a romance quite yet. After all, isn't it best to get to at least get to know someone before you start dating?" Someone said from behind me, and I almost jumped as I realized it was the Kazuo guy. Damn, he moved quietly and quickly. I hadn't even noticed him approach us, and he had managed to catch me off guard.

"Right? Unfortunately, this idiot here has a bad habit of putting people together without any regards to how they feel about it." Kagami was only half-joking, and she gently hit me on top of the head with a closed hand.

"Oww! Don't worry Kagamin, my one true pairing has to be Konami! It's canon!" I cheered, throwing out the shipping name I had come up with for the two of us. She rolled her eyes, dismissing me almost immediately.

"Konami?" Kazuo phrased it as a question. I turned my head to give him a calm, piercing gaze.

"Mm hmm. Konata plus Kagami!" I explained with a smirk, reaching out and hugging Kagami's arm tightly.

"Oh. So you two are dating?" Kazuo raised an eyebrow while he posed his _innocent_ question. I didn't even blink, nor did I dare to move a muscle as I waited for Kagami's reaction to the touchy subject. I imagined icicles to be forming in the air from the pure, frigid tension.

"D-dating?! No, of course not! We don't have any feelings for each other." Kagami almost yelled. By the end of her declaring her lack of love for me, she had freed herself from the vice grip I had on her arm.

"Uhh.. yeah. Of course not.. I was just joking around." I laughed shakily, because it was probably the closest thing to positive emotion I could manage at the moment. It only took me a moment of searching for a way to play it off, after which I sighed dramatically and sat back in my seat, placing a finger on my closed eye and tracing it down my cheek.

My acting skills are top notch, but I still felt a twinge of satisfaction, along with relief, as I heard a small chorus of giggles and muffled chuckles coming from my friends and a couple others who had been watching. Those feelings of success vanished soon after I opened my eyes, though; it was painfully obvious that not all of us were great actors.

"Haha.. yeah, Konata and I are just friends. Good friends, sure, but there's nothing going on between us. I just find some reason to stick with her, even though she can be extremely annoying when she tries, and when she isn't." Kagami was talking to Kazuo again. Something about her body language and her voice was off. Like she was trying not to snap.

I reached for my lunch with a hand, an uneaten chocolate pastry shaped like a spiral shell. Everybody returned to their conversations, and so did our group. I glanced to my left, and Kagami was twisted around in her seat, engaged in some sort of vivid retelling of a story to Kazuo, who nodded a couple of times, then the two of them shared a laugh, having reached some sort of punchline.

I forced my eyes to break away from the two of them, and on the other side of me Tsukasa and Miyuki were turned towards each other and chatting almost constantly. Miyuki gestured with her hands, holding up fingers and tracing shapes in the air, and Tsukasa watched entracedly. Her mouth formed a perfect circle as she came to some sort of conclusion, and Miyuki giggled at the cute image that the younger girl had made.

I didn't really feel like butting into anyone's conversation, which is something that I normally didn't mind doing when I was bored. Instead, I stared at the pastry in my hands. I absently pinched the tip of the shell, tearing a piece of bread off and dipped it in the soft chocolate on the other end.

I was the first one to finish eating. Miyuki finished shortly after, and when Tsukasa noticed that her friend was finished, she looked up at the clock and back down at her half-eaten lunch before hurriedly picking up her chopsticks. Kagami hadn't even started eating.

The bell rang. I stirred and lifted my head from my arms, trying to open my eyes and wishing I hadn't dozed off for the rest of the lunch period.

While the bell forced everybody else into action, I didn't move. I nodded my head repetitively, trying to shake off the befuddled haze that short naps always inflicted me with.

When I finally got my eyes to open, the first thing that came into focus was an uneaten _bento_. Then someone's pair of pale hands picked it up, and it was gone.


	2. Chapter 2: Options

_Eventually, the day will come that I have to take my life into my own hands. The only thing is, what do I do with it?_

 _In a way, school is more helpful than it seems. I'm not just saying this because it gives me a reason to go out and see my friends and other people very day. Sure, some people- including me- think it's a complete waste of time, but in those rare moments of clarity like the one I'm having right now, you realize something. If you weren't in school, taking notes and listening to lectures, scribbling things down about the 16th century emperor and glaring at sheets of paper, what else would you be doing? Me, I'd be in my house, in my room, playing games and watching anime and reading manga._

 _Now, if life could be that easy, if I had the option and the heart to drop out of school and just enjoy myself, you'd bet I'd take it. But the thing is, high school doesn't last forever. Eventually, it's gonna be over. And I won't be able to live a successful life by sitting around all day every day, getting nothing done whatsoever._

 _ **Options**_

"Hold it, everybody! Nobody move!" Kuroi-sensei's voice rose above the ring of the bell. Her announcement was met with cries of protest by some of the students. She ignored them and waited for the uproar to die down.

"What's up, teach?" I yelled out, somehow managing to grab her attention over the rest of the class. She turned her eyes directly on me, and her mouth formed into what I could only describe as a sadistic grin.

"In two days, I'll be handing out a sheet of paper to everyone. All you guys are going to do is fill it out."

".. What's the big deal, then?" Some random guy yelled out, and his question was met with a chorus of approval and agreement. There wasn't any need for me to join in, so I said nothing and watched my teacher expectantly.

"Let me read some of the questions out loud." Kuroi-sensei pulled a slip of paper- I knew it wasn't the actual form because of how small it was- out from her pocket and placed it on the podium. She cleared her throat, then started to read in a tone that implied either sarcasm or boredom. The one that most people took when they didn't feel like whatever they were reading was interesting or even worth the effort.  
"Number one. Have you already planned your future beyond high school?  
"Number two. If you answered yes to the previous question, write down what you have in mind after graduating. If you answered no, think about what you might want to do."

Now the impatience and annoyance room was all gone, replaced by the murmur of interested students. I gaped at Kuroi-sensei, who was still reading, for a couple of moments before closing my mouth and pressing my lips together.

 _"The career paper thing that always shows up in anime and manga.. It exists in real life?"_

I hadn't even thought about what would happen after high school. I forgot that the school year would end eventually, and graduation marked the first day of freedom. From that day on, we would be living as adults. It would be like walking through a portal to another world- just that instead of teleporting us to another dimension, a whole ton of things would open up for us here.

".. achieve these goals, and will you need any help doing so? Remember, this is about your own future, so make sure you've answered all these questions truthfully. They won't affect your grade in any way whatsoever." Kuroi-sensei finished reading her notes, but I had barely heard her. She looked up and scanned the classroom with a smile playing on her lips; her eyes alighted on me, and they contained a somewhat disturbing glimmer of anticipation.

"Future, huh?" I mumbled under my breath. My words were lost among the muted whispers of those around me. I barely heard myself as I continued to mutter the same thing over and over: future, future.. My mind spun and whirled with the sheer thought of it.

"Kona-chan? It's time to go." Tsukasa's voice appeared in my head, and I almost mistook her for my own disturbed mental ramblings.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me, I think I was about to fall asleep from thinking about life!" I laughed, ignoring the feeling of incompletion that filled my heart, chest, and mind.

 ** _Options_**

I dropped onto my mattress with a satisfied sigh, having freshened up after arriving home from school. After pushing around my pillows and blanket covers, I made myself comfortable and stretched myself out. Even though I had extended myself the fullest, I still couldn't reach either the head or the end of my bed. It was a constant reminder of my height- not that I needed nor wanted one.

The idea of logging into my computer occurred to me, but I ultimately decided it wasn't worthwhile to leave the comfort of my bed.

"When I get my own room, I'll have it set up so that my computer is next to the bed.. That way I'll be able to play video games without waking up in the morning," I mused with a smile at the pure laziness that had led to the idea.  
"I should've asked dad to do that for me a long time ago!"

With that, my mind drifted towards college. Funny how someone's mood can be ruined so quickly, if you look at it from a point of view where you weren't the one who had to deal with it. Needless to say, my idle thoughts evaporated and were replaced by the mental equivalent of having my breath cut off from me.

"Am I going to college?" I asked. It took a couple moments of silence before I realized nobody was around to answer. Blinking, I decided that it was okay to talk to myself just this one time, for my future's sake.  
"Well, I should think about my options first."

I waited. And waited. I sighed, placing my hands behind my head, weaving my fingers through my hair and stroking the skin along the back of my neck.

"Nothing comes to mind besides getting a full-time job." I took a couple minutes to imagine myself spending all my time working at the cosplay cafe.  
"Yeah, not happening. I won't be able to balance necessities, hobbies, or anything else for that matter."

I rolled over onto my side and stared across the room at the far wall. The weight on my chest continued to grow heavier and heavier..

"Other than that, I don't know what else I can do.. At least being in school would give me something to look forward to everyday. I'll bet college is a hell of a lot more exciting than just working. But damn what I know.."

The silence that followed was tense, but I felt a little more calm with each second that passed. I realized I had been working myself into a temper, and my deceased- almost crazy now that I think about it- mutterings were starting to become more pessimistic and hostile.

"I don't know.. I think I just need some time to calm down."

Another sigh. I have a habit of exhaling very dramatically, very often. Mostly when I'm alone, though. I have to stop myself from doing that excessively in public; I find that people who sigh often are usually seen to depressing or conceited. I'm neither of those, but I'm the type of person to think a lot, and sighing is just a result of thought.

As if there wasn't enough on my mind already, I began to recall the conversation from earlier, between me and Kagami on the train ride home from school.

 _"Hey, Konata."_

 _"Hmm?"_

 _"Did Kuroi-sensei talk to your class?"_

 _"Mhmm. About the after graduation questionairre, right?"_

 _"Yeah. I told my teacher that I was ready to fill it out, and she just laughed and said she didn't expect anything less of me. So, how about you? I'll bet you haven't put a single thought into it! Am I right?"_

 _".. Definitely! I mean, what else did you expect from me?"_

 _"As hilarious as it is, I'm legitimately afraid about your future, Konata."_

 _"Eh.. It's fine. I've gotten by so far, so this shouldn't be any different."_

 _"I hope you do realize how important this is! This is going to define the rest of your life, you know. You shouldn't just laugh it off and say everything will be fine, if you don't get your act together then who knows how things will turn out?"_

 _"Ah.. haha, I'm glad you're so concerned about me, Kagamin. But really, don't worry! I've got everything covered! I'll either get a job or go to college. Whichever one is easier!"_

 _"Ugh.. I guess I can't convince you to care. This is my stop, so I'll see you tomorrow!"_

 _"Mm. Bye Kagami."_

Our words echoed through my head. I wonder if I really meant what I said..

"Grr.. Whatever. I'll just go start up that MMO. I need some time to think.. I have two whole days, no point in rushing to a conclusion right now. After all, this is an important decision, right?"


	3. Chapter 3: Unwelcome

_I've not looking forward to graduation. There was never a real point in me going to high school anyways. Before I enrolled in Ryōō_ _, I had no real friends. I mean, I had friends sure, but it was only the girls who waved and smiled when our paths crossed, or the guy that sat next to me who would whisper into my ear the smart remarks he came up with and let me listen in on his jokes that got everybody to laugh. I never really had anyone who was close, who was more than an acquaintance, who would sit by me from day to day, who would share my misery and my joy and my company._

 _Tsukasa was the first person to do that. Ever. After our random encounter in the streets, she was the first person to reach out to me. I'm grateful for that. She's the one who reached the farthest, out of every other person besides my blood relatives, and actually took my hand and pulled me out of my sort of isolation. Then, she introduced me to Miyuki. Then, Kagami. Starting from that point on, I think I'd started to look forward to more things in life besides what I'm going to do next in a video game._

 _But anyways, back to graduation. The reason I'm so anti-enthusiastic about it is simple. This is the final year of high school. Things are changing. The culture festival could have been the last thing we shared together as friends. There's no guarantee that we'll ever collect and do something like that ever again. Heck, there's no guarantee that I'll wake up tomorrow with as many friends as I have right now. What worries me the most is that school hasn't even ended yet, and I can already start to notice the people that are my friends drifting away._

 _It has begun, so to speak._

 _ **Unwelcome**_

A huge yawn escaped my lips. I covered my mouth with my hand and waited for the yawn to go away. Lunch wasn't even halfway over, but I had already finished eating so there was nothing to do besides talk and wait for the next period. That and sleep, but I wasn't fatigued enough to not care about falling asleep while my friends were here.

"Are you tired, Kona-chan?" Tsukasa shot an empathetic gaze in my direction.

"I fell asleep during class, and I wish I hadn't," I mumbled. After trying to keep my head up for a couple moments, I gave up and folded my arms on the desk and dropped my head onto the makeshift pillow.

"It sucks to doze off and wake up really tired, right?" She smiled so cheerfully, I couldn't resist the urge to grin.

"Yeah.. It does."

There was silence for another moment. I didn't feel like moving my head, but I saw Tsukasa's gaze switch between me and Miyuki, who was sitting across from Tsukasa and out of my eyesight.

 _"You know, every time we have this conversation, Kagami always harps on the fact that we shouldn't be sleeping anyways."_ I stared at the empty seat across from me. That was where Kagami always sat.

"What, Kagami isn't here today either?" I propped my chin on my elbow so I could see Miyuki, and I could look at Tsukasa if I turned my head into my arm. Now that I think about it, this is a really comfortable position. I bet it'd be even better if I had a long-sleeved shirt on or something.

"No.. I'm afraid not.." Miyuki was the one to answer me. What worried me was everything. The disheartened tone, the concerned expression, the anxious sigh that I barely noticed from the drop of her shoulders and purse of her lips.

"Sis hasn't come over for a couple days now, huh?" Tsukasa tilted her head and frowned thoughtfully.

"Makes me wonder what Kagami is doing. Do you think she's busy with homework or something? Maybe her teacher has started to assign a ton of stuff, and she has to work twenty four hours a day to get it all done?" I shrugged and grinned at the both of them, showing that I was joking. That would never happen. No way would Kagami let some paper and pencils come between the four of us.

"Probably not. I have confidence in Kagami's abilities to manage her workload." Miyuki smiled slightly. It was comforting to know that she thinks the same way.

"Yeah! Sis is really good when it comes to that kind of stuff. Lots of people ask me if I'm as smart as she is, and it's sort of embarrassing to answer them." Tsukasa laughed sheepishly, and I made a small, upturned grin at the self-deprecation.

"Funny how you two are twins but the most you have in common is your name and physical appearance. Even though Kagami's anger and Tsukasa's calm are in stark contrast, there's no mistaking that you two are related."

"Well, they are fraternal twins after all. They may as well have been born separately, and the only difference would be age," Miyuki informed us. Her words reminded me of a conversation we had almost two years ago.

"Oh, yeah. Of course."

Silence again. Miyuki picked something up with her chopsticks and placed it in her mouth. She then placed them inside her lunchbox and put the lid on with a neat _click_ , then wiped her mouth with a napkin that I hadn't even seen her pull out.

"Um.. sorry, but I have to go to the nurse's office. They said something about an illness going around, and that I should come in before lunch ended." Tsukasa stood up and excused herself quickly. She gave me a quick little wave, yet she was gone before I could return it.

"Hm. Didn't know that there was something like that going on," I wondered as I watched her fumble with the door before pushing it open and scampering down the hallway in the wrong direction.

"I can't say I was aware of it either. Fortunately, it doesn't seem like an excessive amount of people have been showing symptoms, but better safe than sick.." Miyuki made a cursory scan of the room, but apparently she found nothing because her attention was suddenly back on me.

"Mm." Not knowing what else to say, I nodded and hummed agreeably.

Neither of us said anything for a little while. We just had what I assumed was a companionable silence. I briefly wonder if my bond with Miyuki wasn't as strong, since we never really have lengthy one-on-one conversations. Just as quickly, I dismiss the thought with a shake of my head. Miyuki was as much of a friend to me as Tsukasa and Kagami and everybody else.

"Are you alright Konata?" Speak of the girl, and there she is- glasses and all.

"I'm.. fine." I wasn't sure why I felt compelled to lie to Miyuki, but I mentally smacked myself for hesitating. If I was going to lie, I should at least do it properly!

"Do you miss Kagami?"

"What? Obviously! Why even bother asking?" I turned towards her, raising both eyebrows in astonishment.

"My wording may have been off.. Hmm. What I meant was, how do you feel about Kagami not being able to come over? You look disheartened that her daily visits have suddenly ended."

"I dunno about your wording, but I think I get what you're trying to say. Just for clarification.." I placed a hand on my chin and made a thoughtful face, all while sighing inwardly. This was starting to enter territory that I wasn't completely confident I could maintain my front with.  
".. What you're trying to ask me is, what do I think about how Kagami suddenly stopped eating lunch with us, right?"

"More or less. I might be wrong, but before our circle of four started to hang out together, you never really seemed content, or.. you were never as lively as you are now." She was choosing her words carefully, not quite as if she was treading on a metaphorical minefield, but like she was assessing the situation and my possible reactions.

To be honest, I wasn't surprised at all. I had always seen her as the quiet-observer type.

"You're right. When I met her, I sort of realized that I could get away with being a bit more.. me, I guess. As long as I didn't rush things along, I could ease her into becoming accustomed to my teasing and personality, which is admittedly frustrating at times." I blew out through the corner of my mouth, feeling the warm air pass my lips.

Miyuki said nothing, probably out of politeness. She was expecting me to continue with my story or confession or whatever it was- I was about to keep going, too, but while I was still processing my own words and hadn't even opened my mouth yet, the sound of the classroom door was punctuated by an oddly familiar voice, yelling loud enough to grab my attention, but not enough to wake up the two students who had fallen asleep in the back of the room.

"Hey, small one! We're gonna join you for a bit, is that okay?" In the corner of my vision I saw a white, blue-striped uniform appear to my right and drop into the seat next to me. Now that she was closer to my own level, I recognized the hasty-looking brown hair and tomboyish face.

"Misao? Why are you here?" I was a bit annoyed by her sudden appearance along with her very presence, but I tried my best to keep it from entering my voice. I don't know if I was successful or not because she just kept on talking, and probably would've ignored me no matter what how I sounded.

"I know I don't come over often and we don't necessarily like each other, but I just had to get away from those two. They're so loud, you know? It's more annoying watching them two than watching you two!" Misao yammered on, nearly oblivious to the fact that I had lost her a long while back.

"Hey, stop talking! Gimme some context, I don't know what the heck you're talking about, Misao!" I pleaded loudly, hoping that it was possible to curb her excitement and find out the reason why she was here in the first place.

"Sorry for us to barge in on you Konata. You can go ahead and ignore everything coming out of that girl's mouth, because I guarantee it won't make much sense to you." I hadn't noticed her come in, but Ayano had taken a seat on the opposite side of Misao, where Tsukasa would normally be sitting. Speaking of seats, my attention started to disperse, and I noticed that all four chairs in our little formation were occupied. The only difference was that there was a brown-haired girl in Kagami's seat, and an orange-haired girl in Tsukasa's seat.

"I don't mean to belittle you two by asking this immediately, but is there a reason you're here? Normally you two eat lunch in your classroom, and there've only been one or two other times you've come over." Miyuki grabbed Ayano's attention, as well as mine, with her politely phrased interrogation. It was artfully done, maybe even worthy of being a line in a TV show.

"Yes, there is sort of a reason for this. It was mostly Misao who wanted to come over here." Ayano cast her buddy a patronizing, blue look, but Bouncy just ignored her.

"What do you mean? Is Kagami in one of her moods?" I suggested, eyeing Misao out of the corner of my.. well, eye. She had finally quieted down, and her golden irises were focused intently on me as if waiting for a reaction. She reminded me of a snake- stalking, assessing, then pouncing.

"Well, not exactly. You see, for the past few days she's been talking with this boy from our class. Now of course, she sits with us and we end up being part of a little social circle, just like how you guys usually are." Ayano explained. I started to form questions, but she continued before I could ask any.  
"Today, Misao got tired of it or something and she dragged me over here to _escape_. She didn't even let me grab my lunch, so there's just an unfinished lunchbox on my-"

"You would want to get away too, if you were there! It's more than just annoying for me, it's a blow to my pride and my heart!" With a dramatic wail and theatric throwing-of-the-arms, Misao flopped onto the desk and whined out the rest of her story. I caught Kuroi-sensei giving us a dirty look, and I smiled as apologetically as I could before looking away quickly.  
"Sure, she invites us to sit together, but it doesn't really make a difference! It always ends up with her talking to the guy, leaving me and Aya-chan to ourselves! The problem is that they get so into it I can't even ask Aya-chan the time and hear the response!"

I stared at her with my jaw slack. It wasn't that I couldn't understand her, since a wave of apprehension flooded over all my senses while my mind created its own images and theories. There was something to be said about Misao's sheer speed in speechcraft. How the heck can she fit all of those words- legible ones, no less- into what had to be no more than fifteen seconds?

"As I said, _**ignore**_ her!" Ayano spoke up, and her voice had a slightly frustrated tone to it. A moment later she appeared in my field of vision, right behind Misao. She placed a hand on top of Misao's head and another one on her shoulder.  
"Misao, you need to calm down."

"S-sorry." Misao practically squeaked. Her lips were drawn into a line, and unless my eyes were playing tricks on me, I swear she shivered before going completely still. But then after Ayano took her hands off of her shoulder and moved away, she was back to normal. I snuck a glance at Ayano as she sat down. Her blue eyes were as calm as ever.

"Uh.. I think I know what's going on. Has she.. been talking to him every day? Of this week?" I bit the inside my cheek, but kept my face as neutral as possible. Although I was trying to put up the act of simply interested, it was getting difficult to keep my nerves at bay. It didn't help when Misao nodded her confirmation.

"Every day. Couple days ago, she was about to leave our classroom for lunch, but then she starts to talk to the guy and she ends up wasting like, half of the period talking to him. Day after that, she just sat down with us and said like three things to us before what's his name comes over and joins in, and Hiiragi is virtually ignoring us! It's like, she actually has the nerve to invite this loser to sit with us?"

"Now, Misao.. Calm down. It sort of bothers me too, but we can't work ourselves into a resentment about it." Ayano and Misao made eye contact, and the former nodded slightly. Misao sighed and placed her chin in her hands, but she seemed to agree.

"You know, I preferred it when Hiiragi just came over and talked to you. She meets this guy and suddenly he's enough to replace me and Aya-chan, but at least she's known you for like, at least some years." Misao turned her head to glare at me, but it melted into a sort of half-smile, one that gave off the impression that the wearer was trying their best not to just lie down and give up.

"I preferred that too." I replied with a couple words and a kindred smile. She looked at me for a couple more seconds, and I suddenly felt just the tiniest bit of appreciation for this girl who I've never really gotten to know.

But as much as I was starting to enjoy the company of these two, it didn't clear up the issue with Kagami. A glance around the table, and their eyes told me that they were thinking the same.

"What are you going to do, Konata?" I knew that Miyuki's brain was in full motion right now, pondering, thinking up a course of action and adding logic and knowledge to imagine the possible outcomes. Or at least, something like that. For sure, she picked her words carefully to sound like she didn't have a plan in mind.

"Don't know.. Nothing yet." I answered honestly. How was I to know what the best thing to do was? Eventually I would have to talk to Kagami about her not being here, but maybe not yet.. Maybe it's better to wait and think about it?

The air was laced with expectation, and I was waiting for someone else to say something, and everybody else was waiting for someone else to say something too. I was about to break the silence and try to lighten the mood, because to be honest I was being a bit too serious. Before I could pull off a witty one-liner, the school bell went off and the ambient chatter of the other students got louder as people started to pack up and move their desks around.

"We should go. See you later, Konata." Ayano was the first to stand up, and she did so with an innocent smile. She made her way to the door, motioning for Misao to follow her.  
"You know, Misao, I never finished my lunch.."

"Uh. Sorry about that." Misao paled and apologized hastily. She jumped to her feet and went along with her friend. Halfway to the door, she looked back over her shoulder and looked me straight in the eye.

"Hey, midget. Fix things up with Hiiragi, alright? I don't like this weirdo getting in the way between her and me. Or her and you. I don't like him at all, so if you _have_ to, go ahead and knock him out for me!" Misao grinned fiendishly and gave me a thumbs up. My eyes automatically went to the corner of her mouth, where I could make out one tooth sharper than the other.

"You bet. I didn't train in martial arts for no reason."

Class resumed as usual, and Kuroi-sensei shot me a deadpan stare right before she started talking. Either she couldn't been able to make out the details of our conversation, or she was pretending she hadn't. After a couple seconds of thought, I decided that she was welcome to know if she decided to ask. Otherwise, this wasn't something that I immediately needed her help with.

I couldn't focus on the academics, but then again I don't usually care- and I still don't. Yet my mind continued to go back to the issue, and I mentally cursed myself for not being able to think about anything else.

You know, maybe I should knock him out. Yeah. I would love to give that stupid, innocent, calm, not-very-attractive guy a good punch or two. But then Kagami would probably get angry..


	4. Chapter 4: Advice

_For almost all of middle school, I had no real friends. I wasn't bullied or anything, but I wasn't invited to sit with anyone either. Believe it or not, I was the girl nobody really noticed. Me, of all people. I never really gave it much thought, since I had never experienced the feeling of having friends around to watch my back. But now, I know what having a social life is like. In middle school, I wouldn't have cared whether or not I was alone. Today, I think I may break down crying if there wasn't anybody around._

 _The only reason I liked high school was because it was what gave me the chance to meet the three people that changed my life. But now everybody is starting to move on. They're no exceptions. And my biggest fear is that I'm the only one who won't be coming._

 _ **Advice**_

I glared at the sheet of paper in front of me. There were eraser shavings scattered around the corner of my desk, a result of constantly changing my answer.

"Maybe.. a restaurant owner..?" Muttering to myself, I wrote my choice onto the blank space where my answer was suppsoed to be. After a moment, I frowned and picked up my eraser.  
 _"I don't really like this idea.."_

Right as I started to rub out the _kanji_ I had written, I was interrupted by the sudden ringing of the bell. Sure I was startled, but I'm proud to say I controlled my reaction rather well compared to some of the other students- the guy in front of me practically fell out of his seat!

"Alright, pencils down!" From the front of the room, Kuroi-sensei kicked back in her chair to rest her legs up on her desk and put her hands together with a single, loud clap.  
"Well, finish writing first. That's the lunch bell, obviously, and I want to get out of here _ASAP_ just like you lot, but don't move until I've collected everyone's forms!"

She dropped her shoes from the table and rose to her feet, before heading for the closest row to start collecting papers from students on both sides. I looked down at the sheet on my desk. The only things that I had filled in were the multiple-choice questions and my basic information.

I knew that there was no way that Kuroi-sensei wouldn't notice I hadn't completed the survey. Just before she reached me, I forced myself to look to my left, to pretend I was staring out the window. Since my head was turned, I couldn't see her but I knew she was there- the footsteps had stopped, directly next to my seat.

"..."

"..."

She didn't say anything; she didn't make a single sound. I couldn't tell what she was thinking, because I couldn't see her face and she wasn't talking. If I had to take a logical guess, I would say she's disappointed.

After a seemingly eternal moment, I sort of saw, sort of heard, maybe even sensed her take my paper. I still didn't dare to move until I heard her footsteps continue down the aisle. Once a couple of seconds had passed I sighed silently, turning my attention back to my desk and the slip of paper that was on it.

"Hmm?" I stared at the piece of paper that hadn't been there before, the piece of paper that had a tiny, neat message written on it.

I placed a finger on top of the note, sliding it until I could get a grip on the edge and pick it up. My eyes scanned the letter and my head processed it, although I made sure not to show any reaction.

 _" 'See me after-school. I had a feeling this would happen.' Well, it's pretty obvious what she wants to talk to me about. I guess I should start thinking up excuses.."_

What snapped me out of my thoughts was the slow build-up of conversation and chatter that started to fill the room. I blinked and realized that it was lunchtime, so I looked around for Tsukasa and Miyuki. Finding them, I waved and told my lips to smile.

"Hey, Tsukasa! Yuki-chan! I thought that the world had forgotten about lunch. Good thing it remembered, because I just realized I'm hungry." I reached into the bag underneath my table and got out my _lunch_ , which would hold off my hunger until I got home.

I don't know why I'd taken such an affection to bringing chocolate cornets to school, but it definitely is more convenient than making lunch everyday. Even if it wasn't the best idea to pretty much skip eating a proper meal, I preferred to just have a snack over eating an entire _bento_.

"I'm actually sort of hungry too.." Tsukasa chuckled and scratched at her cheek in embarrassment.  
"Sometimes I feel like thinking a lot makes you get hungry faster!"

"Right? That would explain why Kagami is such a ravenous eater!" I grinned to show that I meant nothing by the light jab at her sister's appetite. Both Tsukasa and Miyuki smiled in return, albeit they were probably just humoring me.

A couple minutes into lunch, I heard the voice of someone that I definitely had not expected to hear today. I reactively snapped around and looked for the speaker.

"Hey guys!" Kagami greeted us, waving at our group with a wide smile on her face. There was something about the way she smiled that bothered me. It's not that I was suspicious of her for lieing, just.. her smile was excessive. It's hard to explain what I mean.  
"Sorry I haven't been able to come over everyday this week. I hope you guys don't mind too much."

"Don't worry about it, Kagami-san." Miyuki was the first one to speak.  
"There is no need to apologize for having your own matters to attend to."

"Thanks, Miyuki." Kagami sat down in the empty desk that had been empty for the past week, excluding the day that her friends came in to visit.

I didn't say anything immediately. For a little while, I was just an observer, watching the rest of the group talk. It's not that I was completely ignored- Kagami had looked directly at me and said hello with a smile- but nobody was addressing me, and they were already talking about something about school. Since I didn't feel like interrupting just to ask my own questions, I stayed silent until there was a lull in the conversation.

When nobody had spoken for at least a few seconds, I jumped in.

"Hey, Kagami. How's it going with that other guy, Fuzzy?" I asked her with a tone that hopefully implied simple curiosity.

"His name is Kazuo Fukui." Kagami corrected me automatically.  
"What do you mean, _how's it going_? It's not like we're dating or anything."

"No, uhh.. I was just asking because you've been spending a lot of time with him recently. Hum.. well, what's he like?" When it was my turn to speak, I fumbled with my words and ended up phrasing it with the wrong meaning. I hadn't meant to sound so.. positively interested.

"Oh, he's actually a great guy!" Kagami's eyes lit up and her tone took on one of excitement.  
"He's pretty smart and puts a lot of effort into his work. He takes good notes and does his homework regularly. You could learn a bit from him, Konata."

I ignored the bait and shrugged. I waved my hand at her to tell her to continue.

"Kazuo is actually really nice too! People ask him to help them with their homework, and he can tell who wants answers and who wants to actually learn how to do it, and then he tells them exactly what they want to hear."

 _"Generic nice guy character.."_

"Plus, we have a bit in common. We both like first-person shooters, read the same light novels, and he even follows the same religion as our family!"

 _"Meh.."_

"He lives alone, although technically he lives with his parents but they're out on business trips all the time. They return home for a couple of days, then they're gone for sometimes months. It must be pretty tough to live that way, since he has to take up a job while still managing school, and he even cooks on his own sometimes!"

 _"I can do all of that except the school part.."_

Of course, I didn't voice any of my opinions for fear of sounding disrespectful. Kagami was taking quite the interest in this dude, so I didn't want to alienate her by dissing _what's-his-name_.

She talked about him for practically the rest of the period. Tsukasa was engrossed as Kagami prattled on about his features and his life, and Miyuki listened with a smile and nodded every now and then. I stayed silent, which was something I was doing a lot lately. I didn't care to hear about this dude and his long-lost childhood friends he met at the public pool.

Eventually, I was saved by the bell. Kagami stood up and excused herself, saying she would _see us later_. Miyuki and Tsukasa said something to me before they returned to their own seats. I sighed inwardly and settled down to wait out the rest of the day.

 _ **Advice**_

When the last bell rang, I was the only one who didn't grab their bags and head for the door. While the rest of the students moved onto their lives outside of school, I stayed behind on Teach's orders.

"Hey, Kona-chan? It's time to go." Tsukasa called out to me from her desk. She was already standing and ready to leave.

"Go without me.. I've got to talk with Sensei," I told her. She wore a face of confusion for a couple of moments, but she nodded and informed Miyuki. They waved at me as they joined the line to get out of the door.

"..." Gradually, the room was emptied until there were only two people remaining: Kuroi-sensei and myself.

"Alright, Izumi." Speak of the devil, and there she was.

"Yeah?" I responded as politely as possible.

"Do you know why I kept you in?" She asked. I looked up and noticed that she appeared to be focused on her laptop's monitor.

".. Yeah." I absently noted that I was the only one in the room. Unless she had arranged different timeframes for other students who didn't finish, I was the only one she had targeted.

"And you know why you're the only one here, right?"

"..." I didn't confidently know the answer to that one. I knew that this wasn't just a general meeting for everybody who hadn't filled out their form. Kuroi-sensei had even planned for this before I even turned in my blank entry.

"Listen, Izumi.." She ran her fingers from the top of her head down to her blonde bangs.  
"I've known you ever since you graduated middle school, and I'm just gonna tell you, I thought you were a complete loser when I first met you."

Yeah, no surprise there. When I look back on it, even I can agree that I was pretty lame before high school. No friends, a lack of motivation, an obsession with things that shouldn't be prioritized over anything else.

"I mean, you had no friends, pretty much no interest in school, and you were and still are completely hooked on anime and manga and video games." She restated my thoughts with a sigh.

"Sensei, I don't mean to sound rude but.. I know all of this already. You don't need to remind me.." I did my best to sound passive, but as it turns out there was no need. She abruptly reached up and closed her laptop's monitor, then turned her full attention onto me. Her face was a sympathetic mask.

"I know. I know." She bit her upper lip, fiddled with something on her desk, and I saw the way her chest heaved as she took a deep breath.  
"Girl, do you really have no idea of what you want to do after you get out?"

"I've thought about it.. but even some of the obvious things don't fit. I would've put down video game tester or anime reviewer, yet those don't really seem like they'd work as dedicated jobs." I attempted a grin, but if Kuroi-sensei found it funny she didn't show it.

"It seriously bothers me that you haven't actually given this one thought, Izumi. I'm not mad at you or anything, but I at least expected you to have _something_ in mind for when you graduated. You could at least plan on going to college or something, just anything to keep you from sitting in your room for the rest of your life!"

"What if I don't know what I want to do?" I folded my arms on the desk and dropped my chin onto them.  
"What if I don't want to go to college, and I don't want to get a job? How am I supposed to figure all of this out in two days?"

"Hey, come on!" She suddenly stood up and put her hands on her hips, glaring at me from her desk.  
"Don't just give up on life, at least go to college! You can get into a good place, or a bad place, I don't care! If you don't know what you want to do right now, just get into a freakin' college so you have more time to think. I'm not telling you to plan out the rest of your life right now, I'm telling you to get into college so you can have more time to plan out the rest of your life."

I didn't respond, but her words lifted me up a little bit. As I thought about it, it started to make even more sense to me. If I got into college, it would give me something to do for a couple of years. I felt more and more optimistic the more that I processed the idea. Those years would help me figure out what I was going to do, and I might even be able to get a degree for my résumé or something.

"Sensei.." I stared at her, my mouth agape. For some reason, her advice resounded throughout my thoughts until it seemed like the most sensible thing in the world.

"You get it now?" She wasn't glaring at me anymore. Instead, it looked a faint smile was on her lips.  
"Alright. Get out of here."

Wordlessly I zipped up my bag and got to my feet. I started down the aisle, still mulling over the idea given to me by my teacher.

"Teach.." When I reached the door, I stopped and turned around. It may have been cliché, but..  
".. Thanks. Your advice really helped. I know what I'm gonna do, at least for now." I thanked her sincerely, wanting her to know that I actually did appreciate the gesture. Just to make sure that I wasn't acting too strangely, I added onto the end of my sentence with a grin, to lighten up the whole dramatic situation thing.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem. I like you, Izumi. You're a great person, but you need someone else to keep you on track," Kuroi-sensei said. She matched my grin.

With that, I slid open the door and stepped out of the classroom, closing it on my way out. I looked both ways down the aisle, then decided to go for it. I sprinted towards the doors, hoping I would be able to catch up with my friends.


	5. Chapter 5: Confection

_What goes around, comes around. That's karma. You deserved it. The things you do reflect into the things that happen to you. No matter how you say it, it all means the same thing. If you step too far across the line separating good from bad, right from wrong, unfortune will befall you._

 _My thanks go out to whatever divine entity is in charge of the whole karma scale thing. They've been rather lenient with me for most of the things I do, although I don't remember doing anything that would warrant my sins. That is, if laziness is a sin. For the entirety of high school, I barely did any work. I didn't even want to go to high school in the first place, and I would've dropped my education right after middle school if my dad hadn't convinced me._

 _But now, I wish I had actually worked a bit harder for my education. Not that I had a change of heart and actually care about the things that school has to offer, but it's because of what Kuroi-sensei told me. Get into a college, sure that's easy enough. The only thing is, I'm not just going to pick any random college in all of Japan. It needs to be one that works for me, preferably one where I can still keep in touch with my friends. In order to do that, my application needs to be accepted. Let's just say I don't really have a good resumé when it comes to academic records._

 _There are two things that will factor into my getting accepted into college, or my not getting accepted: how convincing I am, and how lucky I am. At this point, I'm relying almost purely on luck._

 _ **Confection**_

As I bursted out of the school's wide doors, I caught sight of my friends almost immediately. While I made my way in their general direction, weaving through a thin crowd of random students, I heard someone call out to me.

"Hey, Konata!" Kagami cupped her hands and yelled as I emerged from the crowd, jogging towards them.  
"What did your teacher want with you?"

"Oh, nothing special." My lips formed a smirk as I slowed down to a jog, then a walk, then stopped completely.  
"But for sure, she definitely didn't beg me to help her get stronger in the MMO we play, and she may or may not have insulted my past and given me life advice."

"Yeah, I'm not sure what to believe and what not to believe. Let's go."

"Thanks for waiting." With that, we formed a more-or-less straight line, we cut through the throng of students and left the campus.

When we turned onto the sidewalk right outside the gates, heading towards the city, Kagami poked me in the ribs, not very gently.

"Hey, Konata. Are you listening? You kind of spaced out there," she smirked.

"Huh? Did I?" I furrowed my eyebrows and willed my memory to go back to just a moment ago. It's not like there were any gaps in the timeline.. we had just started walking, anyways. If I had zoned out, I hadn't even noticed..

"You had this really, really blank look on your face. Like, your eyes were glazed over sort of as if you were thinking about something."

"Hm. No, I'm not thinking about anything," I lied. Now that she had indirectly brought it up, the entire issue about college was once again at the forefront of my thoughts. I pushed away all the details about the final exams this year and the rest of the deal with applications and whatevers.

"Well.. okay." Kagami shrugged. She sounded.. reluctant?  
"You know.. Konata, if you ever need help.. don't hesitate to ask me. Alright?"

I admit, I was a little taken aback at her sincerity. It was surprising at first, but a warm feeling blossomed in my chest when it had sunk in.

"Kagami.. Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." I tilted my head back to meet her blue-amethyst eyes with my own, and I smiled as widely as I could manage. Kagami's eyes widened, but she maintained eye contact for at least a couple more seconds before she hastily looked away.

"H-hey, get that look off your face.. You're weird when you're so.. honest," she stammered out. As profound as the moment may have been, I couldn't resist a snicker.

"What, I'm not allowed to respond in kind? You just went all _dere_ on me, so it's perfectly okay if I go _dere_ back! Right? Right!" I laughed.

"Stop it with that _tsundere_ stuff! You know I hate it when you call me that.."

"And then you realize that I haven't even brought it up yet.. You're the one who inferenced it in! Kagamin! Omega good job!"

"Oh, shut up Konata."

I grinned and hummed smugly, much to my friend's annoyance. The conversation ended there, although I could hear Tsukasa and Miyuki chatting it up on the other side of Kagami. I didn't say anything else, although Kagami was listening intently to their chat, interjecting with a comment every now and then.

The rest of the walk was regular. There was nothing to it, besides the random idle chitchat that came and went. After about ten minutes, we had arrived at our destination- because there's never _not_ an occasion to eat cake between meals.

Once the waitress had directed us to our booth, we automatically grabbed our usual spots on the cushiony seats- Tsukasa next to Miyuki, and I was next to.. well, Kagami hadn't sat down yet. I gave her a curious look, raising an eyebrow to ask a silent question before verbalizing it.

"What, not gonna join me? Is it because you're embarrassed to be so close to the most beautiful girl that you've always loved ever since you laid eyes on her?" I grinned so she would think I was joking.

"First of all, no, I don't feel that way and I probably never will," she rolled her eyes.  
"Second, I'm going to go get cake. Tsukasa, you should come with me."

"O-okay.. Ah.. um.." Unfortunately, although she had just settled into her seat next to the window, Tsukasa panicked at having been called to get up almost immediately. Her eyes went to Miyuki, then to Kagami, then back to Miyuki.

".. Oh, my apologies! I'll move." Miyuki stood up, obviously flustered but still moving gracefully, and stepped out of the way for Tsukasa to get by.

" _Sumimasen_. Thanks, Yuki-chan!" Having cleared the table, Tsukasa turned towards Miyuki and put a hand in front of her face and nodded her head, smiling as she did so. Miyuki returned that smile with one of her own.

"No need to be so formal, Tsukasa-chan," she said before taking her seat again. I looked at her for a moment. Out of the corners of my eyes, I saw the twins walking away to go fill their plates with food.

Miyuki sat down across from me. She was all smiles, and that didn't change when she noticed me looking at her. Our eyes met, and I wouldn't be surprised if she had started to smile even wider.

"How have you been, Konata?" Miyuki suddenly asked.  
"Has anything interesting happened recently?"

"Mm.. no, not really." I shrugged. Her conversation starter was.. right out of the textbook. It was plain, but there was nothing wrong with that.  
"Nothing has really changed for me. How about you? Getting any of those end of the year vibes?"

"Oh, definitely!" Miyuki exclaimed. I could tell from her voice that she was about to go on.  
"It might sound overenthusiastic, but I've been looking forwards to graduation. It's a huge turning point in our lives, yet I can't wait for what's to come!"

"Hmm.. .. What's so exciting about it?"

"Well, there's the end of the year rush and the culture festival. On top of that, final exams are approaching quickly. There's just so many things to do right now, and I'm.. it's hard to explain.."

"Eager to get things done?" I suggested.

"Precisely!" Miyuki exclaimed, leaning forward just a little bit.

"I've felt like that before. Just the feeling of having a lot to do, and you want to get started so you can get it all out of the way.. right?"

"Right, right. I'm just looking forward to taking these steps that lead up into adulthood! It's very exciting.." Miyuki took a deep breath, and my eyes immediately dropped a few centimeters.

"Well, no need to worry about it too much. You're already an adult in some ways, Miyuki." I smirked, knowing she would follow my line of sight and realize what I was hinting at. I continued before she could speak.  
"I'll probably be the same size five, maybe ten years from now. I don't think I'll ever grow out of this body."

"You mentioned before that it was a genetic thing, am I correct?" Miyuki asked. I nodded, since she was right.

"Yeah, I told you guys that before. I have the same trait as my mom; we're almost exactly the same, in physical terms. Both of us stopped growing at the same age, at the same height, and we're pretty much identical except for a couple things."

Miyuki nodded slowly. I could tell that the topic of conversation had passed, so I grinned and stood up.

"Hey, let's go get cake or something. I didn't come here and pay 1500 _yen_ just to talk about why I'm short."

"You have a point, Konata. I'll accompany you as well, it looks like Kagami and Tsukasa are already on their way back," she pointed out. Sure enough, I looked up and the two lavender-haired girls were approaching the table.

"Hey, you two still haven't gotten anything?" Kagami raised an eyebrow.

"We were just about to go. We just had the most lovely conversation about mocking my height," I laughed and winked at Miyuki, letting her know I wasn't serious.

Miyuki and I scanned the showcases, pointing out the things that caught our eyes and searching for our favorites while keeping an open mind- and plate- for new things to sample. Once we had decided enough was enough, we headed back to where Kagami and Tsukasa were sitting. As I got closer, I was able to make out what they were saying.

"Tsukasa, what did you write on your career sheet?" Kagami asked.

"Um.." Tsukasa fidgeted, her voice trailing off before she had even spoken. She looked away from Kagami, and by coincidence her gaze landed on me.

"You _did_ fill it out, right?" Kagami noticed Tsukasa's facial recognition at seeing me, and she traced it back to me. She smiled mischievously before looking back at Tsukasa, who was still shifting nervously.

"Y-yeah, I did.."

"So..? What job are you aiming for, Tsukasa?"

"I.. I sort of want to work in a restaurant. As a cook.."

Kagami blinked, and one of her eyebrows went up in disbelief.

"What, really? That's it?" She asked, surprise evident in her voice.

"Huh?" Tsukasa sounded equally as bewildered.

Holding back the urge to laugh, I walked closer to the table and set my plate down, sliding it over to my spot. After another look at their faces, I couldn't stop a grin from appearing on my face.

"A cook, huh? That's certainly.." I didn't complete my sentence, feeling a tiny bit of sadistic pleasure at the worried look on Tsukasa's face. Not that I enjoyed playing with her feelings or anything, but it felt good to tease an innocent girl every once in a while.

"Perfectly normal, right?" Kagami finished for me, sending a baleful glare in my direction.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say." I feigned an innocent smile.

"I think it's fitting for you, Tsukasa," Miyuki offered.

"See? There's nothing embarrassing about it," said Kagami.

Tsukasa's face lit up as she looked around at the three of us. She exhaled in relief. I picked up the fork that had come along with the plate.

"Which cake should I eat first?" I asked in an exaggeratedly loud voice. I reached over and tugged on Kagami's elbow until she was forced to look over at me. Ignoring her annoyed look, I motioned towards my plate.

"Why do I have to choose for you? Here, eat that one," she pointed out the exact one that I had thought she would- a perfect square of yellow cake topped with a dark-brown layer of chocolate.

"Yep. I knew you would choose the one that you liked the most!" With a grin, I moved even closer and hugged her arm tighter.

"Huh? Why would I have picked anything else? You're asking me to make the decision for you, so that's what I did!" Kagami explained, pulling her arm away from me after a short struggle. I hadn't expected any other reaction, but I still had to force down the urge to try and hug her.

"You could've tried to guess which one I would like the most!"

Kagami glared at me, but after a moment her expression melted into a smile.

I returned the smile, but then I tuned into the conversation happening across the table from us. Tsukasa and Miyuki were talking about the exact thing I had hoped _wouldn't_ come up; Kagami eagerly jumped on board with their discussion, leaving me as the only one not involved.

I stayed quiet, listening instead of joining in. I didn't really feel like talking about universities and colleges anyway. I knew that eventually I would have to deal with this issue, but why did it have to come up now, of all times- when we were supposed to be having fun, not talking about life? I blinked, wrinkled my nose, and sighed silently to myself.

Suddenly, this whole trip -that had been planned out and looked forward to since Monday- didn't feel as exciting anymore. I cut myself a piece of the chocolate cake, lifting it to my mouth and taking a bite. It was sweet, but that's all I noticed. I was waiting for a new topic of conversation to pop up, so I could finally put this problem behind me, if only for a little while.

It might have just been me, but the cake didn't taste as good as it usually did. Maybe they tweaked the recipe.


	6. Chapter 6: Tanabata

_Two celestial bodies, the stars Vega and Altair, represent two celestial deities- Orihime and Hikoboshi. Every year on July 7th, they cross paths. In Japan, this is called Tanabata, which means the Star Festival. For the sake of context, here's a summarized version of the story:_

 _Orihime was the daughter of the sky, and she wove beautiful clothes for her father. She worked really hard, and her dad knew she wanted to fall in love with someone. He set her up with a cow herder named Hikoboshi, and it was love at first sight. They married each other, but they let their romance get in the way of their jobs; Orihime would no longer weave clothes, and Hikoboshi let his cows roam the skies freely. Tentei, the sky, got mad and separated them with a river, but Orihime begged him to be able to see her husband at least once a year. That day lands on the seventh day of the seventh month. If it was to rain, the birds that formed a bridge across the river on that day would not appear._

 _In essence, it's a love story about a couple who work hard but can only see each other once a year, and their meeting can be ruined just by a little bit of rain. Romantic, tragic, however you want to see it, it's a reason to celebrate in Japan._

 _I don't know if it's worth celebrating or not. The way I look at it might make me seem like a downer, but I can only imagine it as the worst kind of emotional torture._

 _Being so obsessed with something, it drags you away from the person you are and the job you have.. Being happy with something, only to have it be torn away from you after just a short amount of time.. Then, to have your reunion delayed until next year by something as superficial as a flip of a coin to decide whether or not it'll rain._

 _Thinking about it makes me want to completely avoid romantic relationships. As much I'd be missing out on, would all the pain really be worth it?_

 _ **Tanabata**_

I stared into the crowd, my eyes flitting back and forth trying to pick out familiar faces. I had showed up nearly an hour ago, and so far I was still the only one to do so out of, say, four people? I sighed and tapped my foot against the concrete, blowing out through the side of my mouth.

"Damnit.." I swore under my breath, ducking my head and glaring at the ground.  
"Either they're late or they don't care.."

I shook my head almost immediately after the ideas popped into my mind. It wasn't fair to direct my frustration toward my friends- after all, they had legitimate reasons for not showing up. Remembering what they had told me at lunch yesterday made me regret my moment of unreasonable anger.

 _"Hey, Kagamin!" I waved to her as soon as she walked into the classroom._

 _"Hi Konata," she smiled. She sat down at her usual seat, placing her lunchbox on the desk._

 _"Where's Tsukasa today?" I asked, glancing at the empty seat. I hadn't gotten the chance to ask her until now, since she had recently started to come to school earlier than before._

 _"Tsukasa is out sick. She has a cold or something." Kagami shrugged._  
 _"If you ask me, it's probably just bad luck. Tsukasa is pretty good about her hygiene and stuff like that."_

 _"Wow, that sucks. And the festival is tomorrow, too.. Unless she gets a status cleanse proc, I guess she'll miss it.."_

 _"I have no idea or interest to know what that was all about, but you're probably right that she won't be able to make it."_

 _I stuck out my bottom lip and groaned in disappointment. So Tsukasa was already out of the picture, huh? There was no point to give up already, though. Even if one Hiiragi couldn't come, there was still the other one- and Miyuki, too!_

 _"So how about you?" I asked her._  
 _"You can come, right?"_

 _"To the festival? Yeah, I can make it," she nodded her confirmation. I grinned, then turned to Miyuki._

 _"And you, Yuki-chan? Gonna join us?" My expression faded slightly as she shook her head._

 _"I'm afraid I won't be able to.. Unfortunately, I have other occupations tomorrow. Family issues and such."_

 _"Oh.. that's a shame," I sighed._

I shifted my weight against the pole I was leaning on. At that moment the wind picked up, and I shivered at the sensation of a chill wrapping around the bare skin of my arms. I formed a fist with my hands, fighting the numbness that was threatening to take over my fingers.

Clenching my teeth together, I pulled the sleeves of my _yukata_ to cover my wrists, folding my arms and holding them close to my body so I could conserve as much heat as possible. Even though it was summer- Japan wasn't one of those countries that was just cold all year round- it was chilly enough to be considered sweater weather. I figured that the rest of the neighbourhood agreed, since most of the people working at the stalls who weren't dressed up were bundled up with jackets and sweaters and fuzzy-looking clothes.

 _"The only one who didn't have a reason to show up was Kagami."_ I winced at the harsh connotation of my thoughts, but I couldn't completely ignore them either.  
 _"Where is she? It's been an hour already.. She should have showed up by now, or at least called.."_

I had to stop myself from going any further, else I'd probably start pinning the blame on her. I shook my head again, erasing the urge to blame myself instead.

"Nothing will come out of blaming anyone.. It's not anyone's fault!" I chastised myself, ignoring the curious looks from a couple kids who were walking past.

I decided it would be best to move around, just to stay warm. It would probably help clear my head too. If Kagami showed up, I wouldn't be hard to find. I sort of stood out, even if I was short.

Plus, if she was going to make me wait for an hour, I sort of deserved the right to enjoy the festival by myself until she arrived.

Pushing off of the pole, I regained my balance instantly and started to walk down the busy street. I didn't have any sort of destination to go towards, but then again nobody did at these kind of events. After a minute or two of walking in a straight line, I realized just how large this festival was.

"Jeez.. this place is huge. There's a ton of people out tonight," I looked around. I had wandered into what seemed like the heart of the area; I was surrounded by activity. From the stall keepers trying to attract customers to other people socializing, my sense of hearing was flooded with countless voices and laughter. Everywhere I looked, there were colorful clothes and bright lights, which were in stark contrast to the black darkness of the sky. It was as a festival should be- the only thing missing, to make everything _exactly_ as it should be, were the three people I had originally planned to be here with.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when someone bumped into me, sending me stumbling forward.

"Oh, sorry. Are you alright?" A voice asked me. I felt my hopes rise before I even turned around.

"I'm fine, Kagamin! Thanks for.. asking.." As I turned around with a wide smile on my face, I was realized that the person I had hoped to see wasn't the person who I actually saw. I trailed off when I saw shoulder-length black hair and an unfamiliar face.

".. Hm?" The girl I didn't know tilted her head ever-so-slightly.

"N-nothing. Sorry, thought you were someone else," I shook my head and brushed past her before she could say anything else.

I felt like an idiot. I don't know what led me to believe that I would turn around and randomly find Kagami standing there. That wasn't going to happen.

No, it wasn't going to happen. Kagami wasn't here. She was somewhere else, doing something else. I was the only one out of all my friends to show up.

I started to walk, if only for the sake of not bumping into someone else. I kept my head down, just enough so that I could avoid seeing faces without losing awareness of my surroundings. It was a strategy I used often- if you appeared distant or unattentive, most people would notice and walk around you to avoid a collision. Of course, it was still best to move out of the way when someone else actually wasn't paying attention, but it saved me from having to move against the flow of the crowd.

I found myself lost in the busiest part of the festival. Everything was lit up, from the trees between the game and food stalls to the buildings in the distance. Not a single empty seat was in sight, so even if I wanted to I wouldn't be able to find anywhere to sit down. Everybody was in motion, walking and talking and laughing. I heard snippets of conversations as I passed groups of people.

".. should try again! Maybe you'll get it this time!"

".. feet hurt from walking.. Ren, can we take a break?"

"Sorry, it's too busy here. Actually, I can carry you on my back!"

Nobody was talking to me, so I ignored all of them and carried on. To them, I was just another teenage girl walking the busy streets of a festival. I wasn't a friendly face, nor was I a familiar one. I was just an unfamiliar face, exactly the same way they were to me.

Braving the irrational fear of meeting someone's eyes, I lifted my head and looked up at the sky. By gazing past all the bright lights and tuning out the rest of the world, what's left was the sky full of stars. It was calm up there. No matter how poetically you said it, no matter how many fancy synonyms and adjectives you throw in to make it sound pretty, it never changed. It was the sky. Just like the lunch bell at school, the sky was always there.

While I had my head tilted back to stare into the skies, I realized that I was still standing in the middle of the street. With some effort, I snapped my attention back down to earth, quickly stepping to the side to save myself from bumping into some guy who was turned away, chatting with his friend.

Once I had torn my eyes away from the black, calm, encompassing night sky, I was hit with the startling realization that I was still alone. The sky, while it was nice to look at, was nowhere near the level of companionship that my friends gave me.

If I were to disappear, nobody would know. Even if anyone saw something happen, whether they cared or not, nobody would recognize me.

"Nngh.. what's with all these depressing thoughts?" I asked myself, staring at a spot on the ground. I shook my head for what seemed like the twentieth time within five minutes, gently slapping my cheeks as if to wake myself up.  
"There are still people who care about me.. stop with all these emo thoughts."

But even as I told myself that, I knew they were far away. It was ironic. My friends, my family, maybe even people that I don't know yet they know me. There are so many people who care about me, and what's sad about that is none of them know where I am right now. Not Kagami, not Tsukasa, not Miyuki. Not Yutaka, not my dad, not my mom-

Just the word "mom" popping into my mind almost brought tears to my eyes.

None of them knew how much I needed them right now. I might as well be just a passing thought, just enough to make them go "Oh, I wonder how Konata is doing." Then, the thought is gone and replaced by the next. They'll move on without me, completely unaware of what's going on in my mind right now. Later, they may look back and feel a little bit of worry and hope I'm okay. Then, they'll tell themselves I'll be fine.

It's Konata, she'll be fine. I'm sure wherever she is, she'll always show up energetic and happy as usual. Nothing ever keeps her down.

I'm Konata. I'll be fine. Right now, I'm not doing so well. But, tomorrow I'll come to school and it may as well be as if nothing had changed.

I am all alone. Here in the center of these bustling, joyous festivities, I am alone. One soul in a hurricane of others. Here, I am the only one who knows of my own existence.

All of a sudden, I was overcome with fatigue. A heavy, overpowering, all-consuming fatigue. I just wanted to lie down.

I briefly wondered what was the reason for this onslaught of hopeless thoughts. The thought fled as soon as it had entered my mind. It wasn't important right now- what was important was finding someone nice to maybe take a nap or something.

I stepped off of the main road, turning my back to the street where the rest of the festival continued on. That's right. My being there doesn't change anything. This festive atmosphere will move on with or without me. Not a single person noticed, let alone cared, about the girl slowly walking away from the celebration and towards a secluded area behind the carnival game stalls.

Once again, I tried to clear away this fog of depression that was working its way into my mind, but there was no point. It was like trying to get rid of a cloud with a folding fan.

I was standing between the darkness and the light, so to speak. Behind me was the joyous _Tanabata_ festival. In front of me was a grassy area of woods that nobody had bothered to enter. It was here that I managed to tune out the sounds of life. As the celebration and lively voices faded to the back of my consciousness, I gave up on caring and dropped onto the ground.

The grass was cool, and here I had a perfect view of the sky. Nobody would bother me here.

I shifted around to find a comfortable position, but never turned my head away from looking up towards the sky. It was the only source of comfort, meager and simple as it was, that was available to me right now. I wanted to be up higher, so I could enjoy it more, but it was fine down here. With the silhouettes of the trees waving in the corners of my vision and the faraway presence of the festival, I allowed my mind to drift astray from my body.

The thought occurred to me while I was slipping into unconsciousness. Here, nobody even knows I exist. If I disappeared, nobody would know. Until the morning, nobody at all. I'm the only one who would know what happened- not my friends, not my family, and not the people enjoying the festival.

"..."

I don't know what happened after that.

"..."

I must have fallen asleep. I didn't dream at all.

"..."

Hopefully, nothing has happened. I'm glad. I'm not ready yet.

"..."

No matter how stupid I may be, there's that one part of me that will always grab onto whatever hope is left and cling on desperately. Sometimes, I feel like that part inside of me is all that keeps me alive.

... ... ...

 _ **Tanabata**_

The next morning, I woke up.

I was no longer sleeping on the grass in the darkness. I was in my own bed, but I was still wearing a _yukata_.

The house still felt empty. Dad wasn't home. Yutaka wasn't home.

My head started to hurt. I don't know if it's because I got hurt somewhere, or if there was simply too much on my mind. Wincing, I tensed my body hoping the pain would go away.

It stopped once I drifted back into sleep. I hoped I wouldn't wake up again, otherwise that pain would probably come back.


	7. Chapter 7: Maternal

_It's not like I resent my dad or anything. In fact, I would say that I love him more than most people love their own dads. He's raised me alone ever since my mom died, and that's pretty admirable considering the way he lived before that. He always thinks about me before he thinks about himself, and he does his best to make sure I have everything I need and want._

 _But still, sometimes I wish that my mom was still around. If she was, I think my life would've been a lot easier. If she had more of a hand in raising me, I probably would've been a different person. I might not obsess over anime or manga, I might have more interest in school, I might have a sister, I might be more of a girl. My mother would've helped my father raise me, help me become a better person._

 _Not to say that I'm that unhappy with how things are right now. I think it's safe to say that I'm definitely unique, and I have good friends, and I love my family, but does that make it wrong to wish I had someone else to take care of me?_

 _I don't know how it feels to have a mom standing over me, protective yet loving. I want to know how it feels to have a mom to hug me, to brush my hair, to be proud of the things I've accomplished. To eat her home-made meals, and to have her teach me how to cook just the way she does._

 _I've never had anyone to do those things for me. I'd do anything, if I could just have my mom back._

 _ **Maternal**_

I had no trouble waking up today. Although I'm the type of person to spend at least half of their morning routine trying to shake off the effects of sleep, today my mind was clear as soon as I regained consciousness. I've found out in the past that if I actually wake up only to fall asleep again, then it won't take long for me to wake up a second time. It's sort of like turning your computer on, then doing something else while it actually boots up.

I slowly sat up and pushed my blanket off, at which point I realized I wasn't in my usual nightwear; instead of a t-shirt and shorts, I was wearing my red and yellow flower-print _yukata_.

Seeing that made me think about yesterday's festival, and I started to remember what had happened that led to.. being safely tucked into my bed?

"Didn't I fall asleep outside, or something like that?" I wondered. I tried to come up with a reason for suddenly being at home, but I could only think of one thing. I kicked my legs out of bed, then stood up and made my way to the door.

Once it was open, I almost instinctually knew that I wasn't alone in the house. I couldn't see anyone yet, but I could just barely hear someone downstairs, and I could sort of just _feel_ that someone was here with me. It couldn't be my dad- he was out for work or something- and it couldn't be Yutaka, since she was at her friend's house. That confirmed my suspicion that someone who wasn't a family member had brought me home.

Although a stranger couldn't possibly have known where I live, let alone have access to my house, I made sure not to broadcast my presence before I found out who I was dealing with.

I tiptoed down the stairs, and the noise I had heard earlier grew louder and clearer until I recognized them as the sounds of someone using the kitchen. I paused for a moment, hearing running water and the clattering of dishware. I caught myself right before I walked into the open, right at the bottom of the stairs.

I held my breath as I turned the corner, just in case I had some instinctive dramatic reaction when I found out who the 'intruder' was.

To say my reaction was dramatic, maybe not, but I was still surprised at who I saw. Even with her hair down instead of being tied in its usual ponytail, it was hard to mistake my homeroom teacher for someone else.

I watched her for a little while as she efficiently washed the dishes, soaping each one and rinsing it under the water before setting it on the dish rack.

Stepping out from behind the wall, I noticed that the table was set for two. I stopped, having realized I had no idea what I was going to do even if I didn't want to be noticed.

"So, you're finally up?"

Her voice broke the silence, and she turned around to smile at me. I couldn't say what surprised me more- the fact that she knew I was there, or the relaxed expression she wore.

"Y-yeah.." I nodded, still unsure what to think of the situation.

"Late sleeper, huh? Thought so. Sit down, I made breakfast," she told me, casually turning away to finish washing the dishes.

I nodded again, even though she couldn't see me. At first I approached the table hesitantly, like it would flee if I moved too quickly. In a moment I realized that there was no point in being so cautious. I shook my head and mentally slapped myself. _Stop acting like an idiot.. It's not like there's a bomb on your chair or something._

I pulled out a chair and seated myself, hoping my surprise would go unnoticed. Sure, it was strange to wake up to a traditional breakfast cooked by my teacher of all people, but it was even stranger to wake up to what appeared to be a _well-made_ breakfast cooked by _my_ teacher of all people.

"Hey, just because I'm a single woman living in an apartment doesn't mean I don't know how to cook simple stuff," she read my mind. Having completed the task of pre-cleanup, she sat down in front of me with a smirk. She pushed her hair back and winked. "Thanks for the food."

After a split second of hesitation, I repeated after her, "Thanks for the food," then started to eat.

While the food itself wasn't anything above average, I couldn't help but feel like there was something different about sitting at the breakfast table with my teacher. It wasn't weird in a bad way, but it definitely wasn't something I was used to.

Maybe due to the lack of a conversation, my thoughts went back to last night, which she had not brought up yet most likely to give me some time to think. She had to have been the one to find me and bring me home, so I owed her an explanation. Swallowing my food, I made up my mind and decided I would tell her what happened.

Both of us finished eating at relatively the same time. But just as I was about to open my mouth she beat me to it. She put her chopsticks down and looked up at me. "So, Izumi. Mind telling me what happened last night?" She asked. "It's not everyday I find one of my students alone, passed out at a festival."

I met her eyes for a couple moments, but I made sure to casually look away before replying, "Nothing. I was just.. sleepy."

"Really now?" She looked right at me.

"Umm.." I couldn't form a proper reply, but her stare was unrelenting. Quickly, it became difficult to think about anything but coming up with a way to get those eyes off of me.

Before I was about to start talking to stall for time, she sighed. Just like that, the pressure was gone.

"Seriously, Izumi. Everybody might joke about you being a handful, but try not to get yourself into trouble like that. It's all thanks to luck that I happened to walk past when I did. What woulda happened if, say, some random bully spotted you?" She shrugged. "Hey, am I right in assuming that something happened? I can't even imagine you to be the type of person to fall asleep in such a bad place just because you were tired."

".. Yeah, more or less," I answered vaguely.

"So, more or less what?" She pressed.

"I was feeling down, and I wanted to get away from all the commotion."

"And that led to you falling asleep back behind some tents?"

".. Yes."

She sighed again, obviously unsatisfied with my explanation. I knew there was no chance of her letting this slide as easily as my day-to-day tardiness.

Instead of continuing with the blunt-force approach, she sat back in her chair and sighed through her nose. "You had me scared for a little bit. It really threw me for a loop when I saw you laid out on the ground like that."

"Sorry.. I didn't mean to make anybody worry," I apologized automatically. Almost immediately, I realized how out of character the words sounded when I played them back in my mind. She didn't comment, so I couldn't be sure whether or not she noticed.

"Yeah.. After panicking for like, three minutes, I remembered that I had your dad's phone number!" She snapped her fingers and grinned. "I called him and explained what was going on, and he told me how to get into your house," she said. Her hand went into a pocket and came out with a keyring that I recognized as the backup that was usually hidden around the side of the house somewhere. "Can't believe people still use these. Pretty convenient, though."

"Couldn't you have just gone to your apartment? Why did you go through the extra trouble of calling my dad and asking him where the keys are?" I asked her.

"Well, about that.." She laughed and put a hand on the back of her head, the cliché pose of sheepishness. "I didn't want to risk my neighbors seeing me enter my apartment carrying an unconscious high-school girl.."

"I see where you're coming from," I matched her expression with my own grin.

She said the after-meal phrase, then stood up and started to collect the dishes. I was about to help out, but she motioned for me to sit down. Even though I felt a little bad for having her do all of the work herself, I didn't argue.

While she washed the dishes, I kept thinking about what I should tell her. I didn't want to lie to her, and she'd probably know if I was anyways, but for some reason I felt a little uncomfortable about telling her. After all, what happened last night wasn't a fight or any sort of kidnapping attempt; it all happened because my inner-defeatist decided to show up and fill my head with despair.

"Do you brush your hair every morning?" She asked me out of nowhere. Startled by the sudden question, I realized that she was already finished with the dishes and had already walked back into the main room.

"Yeah, unless I don't have time to brush it," I answered.

"Huh. Can you reach all of it by yourself?" She asked again.

"It's easier when I'm sitting down, but it still takes around fifteen minutes."

"I see. Let me do your hair for you, then."

"Uh, alright."

I was a little confused about all the attention she was giving me, but I had no problems with it, so I accepted her offer.

She started to groom my hair, humming as she used her thin fingers and my brush to get rid of the tangles and knots that had formed while I slept. Usually I had to fix my hair by myself, since my dad had stopped helping me once I turned nine or ten.

Completely out of nowhere, almost like an afterthought, I remembered that there was school today. I asked her, but she shook her head and told me not to worry about it.

I found it relaxing to sit back and let her work out the knots and kinks for me. Taking care of my hair on my own was something I enjoyed doing, but I wasn't opposed to having someone else do it for me. Definitely not. With the exception of having my dad help me, I can't remember a time when someone has given it as much care as right now.

"Thank you." I expected her to be surprised at my breaking the silence randomly, but instead she kept on brushing my hair, like she didn't care.

"No problem," she said. There was a short pause, then a quiet, subdued sort of laugh. Not a scared laugh or a nervous one, but one that was sort of.. pleasant and surprised, I guess you could say. "I sort of feel like a mom right now. Making breakfast, brushing hair.. Aren't those things that a mom would do for her daughter?"

I stayed silent. She kept talking.

"To be honest, I've dreamed of being a mother since I was, what, fourteen? The idea of taking care of someone was for some reason really appealing to me back then," she said. "But at the same time, I sort of just knew that there was a lot of responsibility involved. Later, I sort of realized that I only wanted to be part of the happy moments, and not have to deal with the tough stuff."

She laughed again, but this time it sounded almost like she was laughing at herself more than anything.

"I never realized that dream, if you can't tell. If you want my opinion, I don't think I would be able to take care of a kid. I've fantasized about it and always told myself 'someday it will happen', but it never did. I'm sort of glad, because I think I would end up running away from all the responsibilities. Having a husband was- still is my goal, but I've thought about what would happen if they just disappeared and left me with the children. I've thought about that too, and I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd probably start to break down when things got tough. I would probably be a terrible-"

"No!" I cut her off, surprising myself as well as her. "D.. don't say that."

"... Why not?" Her voice was quiet. For a moment I actually thought about it, but after coming up with no explanation I realized there was no need. The simplest way to explain it was I _did not_ wanther to complete that sentence.

She might have been right. She might have been wrong. I didn't know nor did I care about whether or not it was true, so I followed the whisper of my heart.

"Because.. because, right now, I feel.. I feel.." My voice cracked, caught in my throat, and stopped working completely. I forced myself to swallow once, then twice. Although it felt like I was taking ages to find my words, it was like she understood. She didn't say anything, just waited. Waited for me to finish what I wanted to say.

Finally, I regained my voice.

"Right now, it feels like you're.. a mom. My mom."

After saying that, it was silent for what seemed like half of an eternity. For a moment I wished I could've taken it back, but that thought was dashed when I felt a gentle hand squeeze my shoulder.

She had finished brushing my hair. In the corner of my vision, her arm went past my shoulder and set the brush down on the table.

"You really think so?" She asked in a whisper.

"Yes. Really!" I smiled and rose to my feet, turning around so that I could see her.

Her lips moved silently, as if she was trying to speak but nothing was coming out. Our eyes met, and for a second it was like a string had been drawn between us. To my surprise, she was the one to break eye contact.

"Oh, come here.." Even though she was trying to look away, I could see the smile growing on her face. ".. Konata."

I wanted to say something, anything, but my voice wouldn't cooperate. I felt something in my eyes, then sliding down my cheek. I blinked it away, but I couldn't get rid of the feeling.

"Mo.. Mom.. Mother.." I stumbled over my own speech, unable to stop myself from hiccupping in between words. I didn't like this feeling of not being able to properly say what I was trying to say. It made me feel pathetic.

Then, without any sound or warning, she was there. Tilting my chin up so I was forced to meet her eyes, her finger lightly traced the invisible, wet line that was left by my tears.

Her mouth formed a smile that I only saw for a couple seconds, because I was suddenly pulled into a hug. I might have gasped a little at the unexpectedness of the gesture, but I felt strangely comfortable. The warmth of her body and the way I wanted more.. It was a new feeling I could easily grow addicted to.

All my barriers, all my shields, all the conditioning that went into building a wall around my emotions- it all vanished, just because of this contact with her. Yet, it didn't seem to matter. I hid my face in her shirt, and my arms moved on their own, wrapping around her to return the embrace.

"Thank you.." My voice came out as a whisper, but somehow I was sure she could hear.

"You're welcome, Konata," she whispered back. "Any time.. any time."

"Thank you.. Mom.. I love you, thank you.. thank you so much.."

She didn't ask about the festival again. I'll tell her eventually, because I'm sure the time will come when I'm comfortable with telling her everything.

But for the rest of that day, she didn't ask. I didn't bring it up. She didn't leave until next morning.

When the time finally came, she left with a hug, smiled, and a wave goodbye. I was left with a warm, content feeling in my chest.


	8. Chapter 8: Forgiving

_Lately, I haven't even found solace in my own thoughts. My mind has been wandering, from one idea to the next. When I'm not doing anything, it doesn't take long for something to pop into my head. Usually, it's just something that isn't really important: an idea that may have potential, or something else to do in an online game. But recently, more important things have been coming to mind. Things that have a lot more weight to them. My thoughts are slowly moving towards a deeper and darker place, like the way an under-leveled party may hesitantly enter a dangerous, previously unknown dungeon._

 _I haven't been able to think clearly with all of this in my head. It's as if someone is constantly asking me questions: "When are you going to start taking this seriously?"_

 _Sometimes I feel like I have a conscience who won't leave me alone for more than a couple minutes at a time. Is this stress? Depression? Hopelessness? I can't tell._

 _The way I live is slowly starting to change. I've stopped pulling all-nighters, so that I can stay awake in class. I've started spending less money on buying merchandise, so that I have more coins to use elsewhere. I've started to think less about anime and manga, and more about life and school and similar things._

 _Whatever condition is afflicting my mind is starting to have effects on my lifestyle. Don't get me wrong- it's probably a good thing to fix my habits and turn down my entertainment obsession while I can. But I'm worried because I don't feel like the same person._

 _At night, during the time between going to bed and falling asleep, I have plenty of time to think. I would ask and answer my own questions- but with the depth and seriousness of each mental discussion, it doesn't feel like it's me who I'm talking to. Since when did I care about "what I would do after graduation" or "how am I going to keep this up in college?"_

 _I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of becoming a different person. I don't want to stay on this down-tilted railroad to a boring life. I want to bring everything with me, into the future._

 _But I can't. I've already asked myself about it, and I've already answered._

 _I'm no longer the same person I was when I was younger. No more is the Konata Izumi who has boundless energy and enthusiasm, and looks to the next day with excitement, who takes everything, positive or not, in stride._

 _Here is the Konata Izumi who struggles with her inner self and tries to hold onto what she still has, and looks to the next day with both hope and despair, who isn't sure how much more she can take before she can't take it anymore._

 _ **Forgiving**_

I ended up skipping school yesterday. Even though I felt perfectly fine, Kuroi-sensei asked me to stay home. I wasn't sure why she didn't want me to attend, but I didn't argue with her. She told me that she would "cover for me," so I should "relax for today and enjoy the rest of the weekend."

I still didn't know why I needed to take a break, but it was nice to have a three-day weekend. School curriculum didn't cover anything that was important anyways. I could always make up for missing a single day- all it took was an extra ten minutes of study time.

Ironically, I didn't feel like studying right now. Then again, I never felt like going the extra mile to study on my own. The only times I study are usually the nights before a test or exam. Depending on how much had built up over the past couple of weeks, I would have to fully devote myself to studying for hours on end, but I found it to be much more efficient than studying every day. While it did work- surprisingly well, in fact- it could hardly be considered a fool-proof strategy.

Recently, I've had to take an unforeseen test that I didn't study for. I don't even know how my luck managed to hold out, but I managed to pass just barely. Kuroi-sensei may be trying to weed out the crammers, so I'm going to have to come up with a new strategy for studying.

A glance at the clock on my desk told me it was almost noon. I decided that I would go out for lunch today, just for the sake of convenience. I didn't feel like cooking, but there was nothing to eat besides some microwave meals- I didn't want to eat instant noodles either, so the only other choice was to go out and grab lunch somewhere.

After I had changed into something more suitable for going outside, I grabbed a light sweater before I left my room and headed down the stairs. Today, there was nobody here to greet me. The dining room, living room, and kitchen were all empty.

For a moment, I stood at the center of the house and looked around, hearing nothing- not from inside, nor from outside.

Dad and Yutaka still weren't home yet. The thought crossed my mind that I should probably call them, just to make sure that everything was alright. I reached into my bag to grab my phone, having to search for a couple seconds to find it. When my fingers finally closed around it, however, I made no move to pull it out.

 _"Hmm.. I don't really need to call them,"_ I decided, letting go of my cell phone and withdrawing my hand. Dad was probably busy with work, which was the whole reason for his absence anyways. As for Yutaka, well.. She was only really living with us because we were much closer to school compared to her direct family (Cousin Yui visited often, but she always says the drive takes at least half an hour- and that's with the speed she drives at.) Even though she treats us like father and sister, she still talks about her family and how much she loves them. Oftentimes she talks about how once she graduates she wants to move back to live with her parents and Yui again- I don't see her any differently because of that.

Even though Yutaka was allowed to come and go whenever she wanted, that didn't stop me from worrying about her. Although, she was staying with her best friend Minami- who may as well be her older sister, for all that she does for my cousin- and I trusted both of them. Yutaka was a good girl and would never take any risks or do anything stupid, and Minami would be the safeguard in case something did happen.

Shaking my head like it would help me ignore the temptation to call anyways, I instead tried to think about where I would go for lunch.

 _"Let's see.. What's nearby again? There's Matsuya, of course, and that one burger restaurant.. Oh, and there's takoyaki, and okonomiyaki, and all those places that serve fried food.."_

Compared to the dim levels of light inside the house, the intensity of the daylight outside was literally blinding. Forced to shield my eyes under the sun's pressure, I turned away and stared down the hallway while I waited for my eyes to adjust to the brightness.

Wind blew in through the open door, sending some of my hair floating into my range of vision. I closed my eyes and focused on the feeling of the breeze on the back of my neck, which instilled a sense of serenity into me. Wanting to keep this moment for as long as possible, I took a spontaneous step backwards, completely forgetting about the doorstep which I tripped over as soon as I moved.

Falling towards the ground, I managed to twist my body to the side in time so that I landed on more on my shoulder than my back. I winced, but the only thing that left my lips was a sigh. _"That wasn't very smart.."_

"Konata! Are you alright?" Something, probably a bag from the sound of it, dropped to the ground near my head. Shortly after, a pair of hands helped me to sit up from where I had fallen.

"Yeah.. yeah, I'm okay," I replied quietly, rubbing my shoulder.

"What happened? How did you even fall on your back when you were leaving the house?" She asked me. I was surprised, not particularly because of the identity of the speaker, but more out of the fact that I hadn't expected to meet Kagami right outside of my house.

"Nothing, really. Wasn't paying attention," I looked up at her and smiled as soon as I met her eyes.

"Well.. okay," she relented. I didn't say anything more.

It had only been a few seconds, but it already felt like several minutes had passed- several tense, awkward minutes. An uneasy silence formed, even though we both clearly had things we wanted to say.

Shifting, I fixed my eyes to a spot on the ground. The words to convey my feelings out loud were on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I fidgeted, pressured to say something just to break the silence-

"Hey, Konata.." She beat me to it. I looked at her, relieved, and waited for her to continue. "You weren't at school yesterday. What happened?"

I watched Kagami for a couple seconds, quickly noticing her anxiety and worry from her facial expression.

My eyes went up to hers, and as soon as they did she blinked and casually turned her face away. But in the split second our eyes had met, I thought I picked up on traces of guilt.

Well-deserved guilt.

"Kuroi-sensei told me to get some rest." My voice was unsteady. "I was really tired the night before."

".. I see," said Kagami. More time passed without either of us saying anything.

 _"What's up with this atmosphere?"_ I frowned, knowing she couldn't see, as I stood up; she automatically helped lift me to my feet as soon as I started to rise.

"Konata," she started again. "I'm really sorry. About not meeting you at the festival."

"..." I waited for her to go on.

"I completely forgot about it, and I remembered about it as soon as I woke up the next day!" She told me, and I could tell she was sorry, just by her voice.

"What were you doing?" The question came out of nowhere; I hadn't even expected myself to ask, and if anything Kagami stopped right in her tracks, stunned by my inquiry.

"I-I was.. busy doing my homework. And then Tsukasa needed my help, and after that I got distracted by my family and my phone.."

"Oh.." I muttered, knowing fully well that she had made it up right here on the spot. It was painfully obvious: hesitation, vagueness, and the fact that they were terrible excuses anyways.

What was even more painful than her flimsy attempt at hiding the truth was the fact that I didn't believe her enough to not doubt her explanation in the first place.

Even more so was the sickening feeling in my gut; a feeling that may have been much, much worse than how I felt two nights ago. Yet, I dropped my chin to my chest, closed my eyes hard, and swallowed my voice.

"I'm so, so sorry Konata!" Her voice rose, and I turned to face her, seeing her nearly in tears as she held both my hands. "I'm so sorry for forgetting about it, I know you must have been lonely. Were you the only one there? I can't believe I forgot about it, I feel horrible!"

She poured her heart out to me, now hugging me tightly, and I could feel her chest move with every half-sob, half-breath she took. Not having the heart to do anything but comfort Kagami, because she truly seemed sorry for leaving me alone on the night we were supposed to hang out, just the two of us, I put my arms around her and shut my eyes.

"Don't cry, Kagami. I'm not mad," I told the girl, who began to repress her crying to a whimper. And then, like a light had been shone on me, as if I had ducked my head underwater and realized I could breath and see, I realized something.

 _"It's true.. I'm not mad at her. I don't feel any hatred or resentment towards Kagami.. whatsoever."_

I don't know how much time passed while we were there, hugging each other in front of the open door of my house, but eventually she broke from the embrace and held me at arm's length with a drained, relieved smile.

"S-so.. were you planning to go get lunch?" She asked, as casual as a girl wiping tears away from her eyes could be.

".. Yeah," I answered. "Wanna come with me?"

She nodded. I grinned. But my heart wasn't in it. I did all I could to clear my head, so that I could enjoy this day. To enjoy the time that, while we had both promised to share before, silently agreed that today would work instead.

Still, right before I silenced my wayward thoughts, they got in one final rebuke:

 _"If I don't hate her.. then why do I feel so strange? Do I just want to be alone, or.. do I just not want to be with Kagami?"_


	9. Chapter 9: Solitude

_There is a kind of blade that cuts both ways: a double-edged sword that can cut either the wielder or the enemy. I like to think of it as so: "It can do harm, help, or nothing at all."_

 _But, the analogical "blade" I'm talking about is still valuable to a lot of people. Is it because they think the benefits are worth the sacrifice? Is it because there's something that they need, regardless of the cost? Or is it simply because they haven't thought about the negative effects?_

 _When we fall down, we stand back up. This brutal rise-and-fall process repeats, over and over, until the rise part is impossible for us. For the people lucky enough to have other people around, whether it's a group of friends or a single person who means the world to them, they're probably going to find an outstretched hand or two—it's easy to become dependent._

 _Eventually, it becomes an automatic reaction to look to a friend for help. There's nothing better than knowing that someone is going to be there for you—but if that person is no longer there, then what happens? Of course there would be the pain of losing someone close to you, but what about the pain of not having a hand to pick you up when you fall? If we rely on them too much, how can we hope to be able to get by without them?_

 _The feeling of "betrayal" is placing your hand on the blade, only to pull back after having your palm sliced open. Except, the sting of emotion is sharper than the sting of the wound: like that person has suddenly turned cold, breaking your heart rather than your hand._

 _I know I can't rely on my friends all the time. I know it's not fair of me to blame them for things they do without even realizing. I know it's unfair of me, but I can't help it. All these feelings are swirling around like a whirlpool: sadness, frustration, guilt.. loneliness, anger, helplessness.. guilt and pain.._

 _But there's nothing I can do except keep it bottled up inside me. Every night, just like this, I vent to myself without moving my lips._

 _ **Solitude**_

Having cleared my desk in advance, I was prepared to leave as soon as the final bell rang. When it did, I was the first one to stand up and make for the exit. On my way there, I stopped and remembered to wait for my two friends, who were following me at an easier pace. I waved, signaling for them to join me. Tsukasa and Miyuki exchanged a glance before speeding up to meet me at the door.

As I led them outside, I suddenly wondered if it was really a good idea to be getting so excited over this. We were only getting together and going over to the city for a couple hours—nothing to get worked up about, since it was something we had done countless times before.

But we haven't met outside of school for a while now. Recently, everybody seems to be busy: studying, working, and other various excuses. Even Miyuki, who had always seemed able to fit almost anything into her schedule, had been under lockdown lately. Was it really that unreasonable to be happy to finally be able to spend some time with my friends?

I was the only one to see, but I nodded and smiled; in my thoughts, I marked the case as "justified" and filed away my reservations about the subject. There was no point in dragging myself down by being overly self-conscious.

"We'll camp here and wait for Kagamin to appear," I stopped around the front of Kagami's classroom. "Is there anything that you two need to do before we go?"

Since Tsukasa was spacing out, Miyuki answered for the both of them: "Well, no.."

"Alright. That's cool," I grinned. "More time to catch up with you guys, then. Everybody's been really busy lately, I was even worried you had broken under the pressure!"

Miyuki nodded slowly. As usual, I couldn't tell exactly what was going on in her mind—considering the fact that she was a proven genius, it was trying to read encrypted code without a key through fogged-up glass.

"No.. Fortunately, my studies aren't stressful. I've taken it upon myself to prepare myself for exams and such, and that includes lengthy study sessions."

"Ah, self-proclaimed homework, huh? You really are something else.."

At that moment, I peered behind Miyuki and caught a glimpse of purple through the crowd. That color was unmistakably Kagami—not many people shared her hairstyle.

I called out to her and waved, even though I knew I was basically asking for her to make fun of my height ( _"Good thing you were waving, because I couldn't even see the top of your head!"_ ). But when she approached, the only greeting she gave was a simple "Hey."

A couple minutes later, our group of four had left school campus and was headed for the train station. Until we boarded the train, there was little to no conversation, and nothing more than idle chitchat.

Once we were on the train, I decided to break the silence—after all, the whole purpose of this little expedition was to be social.

Clearing my throat, I looked up into my friends' faces and let my lips curve upwards into what I hoped was an inviting smile. "It's been a while since we've gone out together."

After a couple seconds, Kagami was the one to respond. ".. Yeah, it has been a while, huh?" She nodded, watching the buildings and people flashing past: the perfect image of a girl lost in thought.

"Last time was a couple of weeks ago," I reminded her. The words made me feel reminiscent, as if I was about to relive a memory.

"Oh.. yeah," Kagami repeated. Her voice was quieter than usual—something I noticed thanks to how she was staring out the window like she had lost something.

Not dwelling too long on it, I continued, "Do we have a plan of attack? If not, we can just follow my route and start with Gamer's.. how does that sound?" A grin lifted the corners of my lips, but it seemed I was the only one who found it funny. The others.. they were out of it, to say the least.

For nearly a minute, the only noise was the sound of the train and some other students chatting away in the corner. I cleared my throat, and then I coughed. Still, no words were uttered. I started to feel just the slightest bit annoyed, and with good reason.

"Hey, guys.. are you ignoring me or something?" I asked in a low tone, surprising myself with how well it turned out. It was the tone of voice that you heard all the time from those calm yet dangerous types in shows: the ones who said things like, _"Are you sure about that..?"_ and whatnot.

All three of them shook their heads, although they still didn't say anything. Again, the only sounds were that of the people in the corner. The train car was completely quiet; otherwise, I probably wouldn't have picked up on their whispered conversation.

I scanned the faces of my friends, who averted their eyes as my gaze passed over them. I stopped on Kagami, who had turned toward me but kept her hands behind her back. I watched her because I knew she was the one who was going to explain to me what was going on here—not out of being delegated as the spokesperson, but out of being the only one who was brave enough to look me in the eye for more than a second.

Her mouth opened, but instead of words she sighed soundlessly. Only through seeing her chest fall and her shoulders drop did I know that something heavy was on her mind.

"Konata.. I'm sorry," she finally said. Her voice was low, enough that the slightest wind could whisk her words away. "There's.. something else I have to do. I won't have time for our get together."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. I didn't want to say anything, for fear of some of those feelings of frustration and negativity to slip out. I had made the choice a long time ago. Before I met these guys, that was the only way I made friends and avoided losing them: don't show weakness, don't show neediness—just smile and laugh with the rest of them. Did that rule still apply?

"Hey, Konata.. Konata.." I heard her calling my name. In the corner of my eye, I saw her move towards me. Instead of turning to meet her, I took a leaf out of her book and cast my eyes out the window.

Through the glass, I picked out a face at random. It was a boy, his back up against the concrete walls of the train station. After a couple seconds he glanced down at his hand, at his phone, then he sighed. Pushing both hands into the pockets of his sweater, he closed his eyes and breathed outwards, resting his head against the stone wall.

The boy wearing a gray and white sweater, standing out there alone on the platform, checking his phone, was someone Konata had never seen before in her life. He was nothing but a passing face, and he would never be anything more than that, but Konata couldn't take her eyes off of him.

It wasn't a dramatic love-at-first-sight moment in a story, nor was it a flash of recognition in seeing a familiar face. The only connection Konata felt towards the stranger outside the train was a brief sympathy: sympathy for a person she had never met, who was simply standing alone and waiting for the train, for someone.

There was no one else to bring me back to the real world. Only myself, my thoughts coming in between other thoughts, drifting past like dandelion seeds in flight. I remembered where I was, and tore my eyes away from the window.

 _"Kagami.."_

So many things I wanted to say.

"Kagami.."

So many things I needed to say.

"..."

So many things I couldn't bring myself to say.

".. It's your stop, isn't it?"

She stared at me, her mouth open as if she was about to speak, or out of surprise. But this time, there was nothing. Not even a sigh.

Kagami closed her mouth, nodded, then let go of the handrail, her hand lingering on it like she was reluctant to go. Then, she walked silently to the open door, Tsukasa following quietly after her.

For a moment she hesitated, she didn't lift her back foot to take the next step that would bring her onto the platform, onto the path home. She turned back and looked at me.

Her lips moved, and although there was no sound I knew the meaning. I wanted to respond in the same silent whisper— _it's okay, I don't mind_ —but all I could do was shake my head and smile. Either way, it would have meant the same thing: a lie, that I was actually okay.

And then, she was gone. The last thing I saw of her was a lock of her signature purple hair, then the doors pushed themselves closed with perfect, movie-esque timing.

A moment passed, and I couldn't hear anything at all. Then everything started to move, and it was like the flow of time had returned. The sound of the mechanisms powering the train slowly grew into a steady but not overwhelming rumble, and the group in the corner started to whisper again.

I would have stared out the window for the remainder of the ride, but I realized I still wasn't alone. Miyuki, standing about a meter away, met my eyes when I looked at her.

"Konata.." Miyuki mumbled my name; she obviously wanted to say something, but was probably too nervous to do so.

"Oh, Miyuki.. Do you think that was a bit harsh?" I gave her a wry smile to let her know I was trying to lighten the mood. I was only half-joking, of course; I really did want to know what she thought about what had just happened.

Her hesitation was enough to answer my question. I sighed half-heartedly, moving my head side to side. "Sorry.. it must have been uncomfortable."

"No, it's.. quite alright," Miyuki finally spoke. "I just.. don't think I can add anything positive to the situation."

I instinctively wanted to protest, but after a second's thought I decided not to. Instead, I resigned myself to another smile. The world outside the train was a blur, and inside the train was awkward, tense. My sense of time had escaped me, so it was with a start that I realized we were slowing to a stop.

As the doors slid open, the group in the back shifted and made their way to the door, talking amongst themselves. Miyuki looked at me, her lips curved gently upwards.

"This is our stop, right? Even though it's only the two of us, I hope we should still have a good time.." She offered her hand, but I didn't take it. The smile on her face faded ever so slightly when I met her eyes.

"Miyuki.. it's okay. You don't have to come," I told her. For some reason, I just wanted to escape right now. I loved Miyuki as a friend, but part of me wanted to get off this train alone. I didn't fully understand why—I was acting on a whim—but now that I've said it, I would have to follow through.

"W.. what do you mean?" Miyuki's wide-eyed stare made me instantly want to take back my words. I was afraid I had hurt her, by vaguely telling her I wanted to be alone, that she had misunderstood and thought I didn't want her company.

"Yuki-chan.." I gulped air, because it was the only thing I had to wet my lips. "It's not that I don't want to spend the day with you.. but it's just the two of us, and.. it would be sort of awkward."

She kept staring, still not understanding.

"You're my friend, and we both know that. I know I can trust and depend on you, but right now.." I swallowed again, unsure of how to say it.

Miyuki's lips formed a circle as that big brain of hers started to piece together the situation.

"It would be pretty awkward. Because right now.. you're pitying me, right?" I didn't know how to say it any more subtly: that was the best I could do. Yet, now Miyuki seemed to know exactly what I was trying to say.

She nodded and bit her lip, her eyebrows coming together in thought. ".. Yes. Right now, the foremost thing I feel is most likely pity. I can.. I can see how that would make the rest of your day uncomfortable."

Miyuki nodded again. I know she wasn't confused, but I could no longer read her feelings on her face or in her eyes; she had returned to the usual unreadable girl that I knew. The only indication of her thoughts was the faint, almost sad smile she gave me.

"Goodbye, Konata. I'll see you later," she said. Simple, but it fit the setting.

"See you, Miyuki."

And with that, I turned my back to her and followed the last person off the train. The doors closed behind me after a couple seconds, and I looked back at Miyuki one last time. She waved, and I waved back.

And then, she was gone. Taken away by the train, which only knew to power its engine and speed along the rail, until it was gone and out of sight. I dropped my hand, then blew out the side of my mouth. The air was cool, fresher than it had been on the train.

"What to do now?" I asked myself, taking a step forwards. Then another step. And another step.

Before I knew it, I had left the station behind and I was walking on the streets with the warm, not unbearable sunlight casting a shadow in front of me. The silhouette of myself was almost perfectly my height, but I knew it would soon stretch out in front of me until it was no longer distinguishable from the rest of the evening shadows.

Of course. I was going to be out here for a while; I had told my dad and Yutaka that I would be with my friends until maybe seven or eight o'clock. Going back now would embarrassing: "admitting defeat", or so they say. I could just brush it off as having gotten the date wrong, but I didn't want to twist the truth to them directly.

This would be better. I would spend several hours in the city "with my friends", and at home there would be no questions asked. Right now, I was rather proud, albeit surprised at my ability to stay calm and somewhat optimistic.

But for all of my confidence in my decisions, I still didn't know how I should be feeling right now. Whose fault was it: my own, or my friends'? In the first place, is there anyone who was actually to blame for things ending up this way?

I remembered the apologetic look Tsukasa had shot me before she had gotten off the train, and the sad, understanding smile that Miyuki had given me when I had gotten off. My memory also conjured the image of the boy waiting on the platform where Kagami had disembarked, and for a second there was a mental connection between Kagami and that "stranger". Then rationality kicked in, and I realized that there was another person I had unconsciously linked between them: that other student from school, whose name was the one thing I couldn't be damned to remember.

With a sigh, I silenced my thoughts with considerable concentration. It would do no good to think too much about it; the more I tried to make sense of things and fit them together, the longer my train of thought would run. The best thing to do right now was to try and forget about it, so I didn't start assuming things and I didn't dig myself into a hole of suspicion or self-pity.

I turned the corner slowly, as to not run into anyone who happened to be doing the same. The city was different when you were alone—without a friend nearby, the city seemed to have a different atmosphere to it. The only word that I could find to describe how I felt, in this place with so many people, was "solitude".

After walking aimlessly for a little while, my brain finally started to work as intended. For example, I wondered what I should do to keep myself from dying of boredom for the next four-or-so hours. And what to do with the money I had brought along with me.

Checking my coinpurse, I juggled some numbers around my head, trying to figure out the best way to spend my money. With the amount I had brought, there was enough for a meal, a snack, and maybe even some light shopping.

"Well.." I sighed, scanning the rows of signs and neon lights. "I wonder what I'll have for dinner today.."


	10. Chapter 10: Rain

_Rain can have very strong feelings attached to it. For every person, it has a different connotation. To some, the rain is calming and soothing; to others, the sound of rain makes them feel lonely or solemn. You could even imagine every person as a rain drop, landing in one of two boxes. Those in the first box feel good about the rain, and those in the second box dislike the rain. Then, there's me, who managed to fall outside of the box. Who doesn't feel anything in the rain._

 _Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Am I supposed to be neutral about rainstorms? Everybody I've met has some sort of opinion about the rain: "It helps me focus," or "It scares me a little bit." Even for the people who claim they don't care, when it starts to rain they quiet down and look toward the window just like everybody else. I've always felt like the odd one out, because I don't just say, "Rain is simply water falling from the sky," but I actually look outside and that's what I see: water falling from the sky, no feelings or thoughts attached._

 _If a person came up to me and asked me to write a song about the rain, I wouldn't know the first verse. When I sit down and look outside during a storm, should I be feeling sadness, happiness, or just this nothingness? Is there someone who feels the same way, sitting and looking out into the rain just like I am right now, wondering how they should feel when the first drop lands on their arm? Wondering if there's anyone else like them?_

 _ **Rain**_

Although I had probably been hearing it for a while now, it took some time for my mind to actually register the sound of the rain in the real world. Sneaking a glance at the window, I saw that it was spattered with droplets and the noise grew louder now that I was aware of it. Since I wasn't doing anything interesting—doing side quests and looking for materials in a solo hunting zone—I didn't feel any particular urgency to get back to the game. So naturally, I was glad for the diversion, and allowed myself to move to a safe spot and relax. I removed my headphones and hung them over my monitor, then after a moment's consideration I muted the volume to silence the dreary background music of the dungeon. Now, I could properly focus on the ambience of the rain.

My room was dim, but not to the point where I couldn't see. As a rule, I try to avoid looking at the computer screen in the dark; it hurts my eyes, even though some people prefer having to turn the lights off while they're gaming. Still, there were times when I didn't want to bother with getting the light switch, so I just let the room darken.

The rain outside fell lightly against the window, a subtle reminder to me so I wouldn't forget. I glanced at the digital alarm clock on my desk, which read 9:26 PM. The night was still young—by my standards, at least. However, I was supposed to be training myself to have a better sleep schedule, and that included showing some restraint when it came to my nocturnal gaming sessions.

Sword in scabbard, my avatar had relaxed and entered idle position, which involved crossing his arms and propping himself up against the wall before nodding off into sleep. A chat message popped up onto the screen, but I didn't reply instantaneously like I typically did. Instead, I spent almost an entire minute reading it before I sent a reply. It was almost like my fingers were trying to work against me—it took quite some effort to politely decline the invitation, saying I wanted to get some sleep—but I had to follow up on the commitment I had made. I was reminded of a saying that had personal value to me: _"Dedication, discipline, and sacrifice! Choice of champions!"_

Clicking the orange log-out button, I waited while the game closed and returned to my desktop's screensaver: a colorful watercolor picture depicting a "normal" village submerged completely underwater. It was an artist's rendition of a scene from the movie _Ponyo_. While the movie wasn't all that impressive, I enjoyed some of the visual effects in it. I stared at it for a couple more seconds, not looking at anything in particular.

With a subdued feeling of loss, I reached out and tapped a button on the monitor, which went black a moment after. I breathed in and exhaled heavily before lightly kicking off the wall, sending my seat and self away from the desk. I stood up, then made my way over to the far side of my room.

I was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts; I remembered because of a cool draft I felt shortly after standing up. In the first half of July, there wasn't really a reason to wear more than what I was wearing right now. Most of the time, the sun was out and shining. Twelve hours later, it would be replaced by the moon and the gentle night breeze that was sometimes warm, sometimes cool. Sometimes, and this usually happened a couple times every year, neither the sun nor the moon would be visible. In their place, looming clouds and a chill in the air. On those nights, there was a chance of rain. I've heard people call rain in July the tears of Vega and Altair, the star-crossed lovers of the celestial realm.

I hadn't noticed myself move, but I looked down to find my hand pressed up against the glass. When I lifted my head, my eyes going past the window and toward the heavens, I was overcome by a sudden feeling of melancholy. Like I was trapped, or unhappy, or alone.

A moment later I shook my head. I wasn't alone; Dad said he would be back later tonight, and is sleeping in just the next room over. I have friends I can call, even though Tsukasa is forgetful and leaves her phone in places where she doesn't hear the ringtone, and Miyuki tends to forget the call is on and leave the room without warning, and Kagami doesn't pick up her cell all too often anymore.

 _"Oh hell, who am I kidding?"_ I let out a sigh that was either soundless or drowned out by the constant of the rain. Suddenly, I wanted to lean out the window, into the rain, to feel more of the same cool sensation from putting a hand to the glass. I wanted to reach out and cup my hand so that I would catch some of the water falling from the sky.

I hesitated, logic and common sense arguing with instinct and desire. It was only seconds before the latter proved victorious, and I fumbled with the latch before thrusting my hand outside into the rainstorm like I was grabbing desperately for a hat blown away in the wind. A section of the roof that jutted out over the wall saved me from the full force of the torrent, so for the most part I remained dry.

My fingers were slick with water in less than a second. I curled them into a fist, then unfurled them and let them go limp, rubbing them together and stretching them as far apart as they would go. It was an amazing feeling, and I found myself staring as if I had been introduced to a strange and intriguing new concept. It was refreshing, to say the least. I lost track of time, disconnected from the world by something as simple as catching the rain and letting it fall through my fingers. I could hear it hitting the roof, the ground, feel it on my bare skin and, dare I say it, in my soul.

The trance was broken when something fell in my eye and made me flinch, pulling my hand back like it had been stung. I wiped at my face with my other hand, and it came away wet. Without thinking, I reached up and clawed for something to grip, finally grabbing the edge of the window through blind panic. I yanked it down, and it slammed against the windowsill with a loud bang. Thankfully it hadn't shattered from the impact, but my eyes immediately locked onto a crack that hadn't been there before.

Backing away from the window, my feet moving on their own, I stared at the barrier keeping the rain out, away from me. Then, I stared at the puddle on the ground, and the trail that led toward me. I was shivering, not out of fear but because I was cold. I was drenched. My shirt was sheer and almost see through, my shorts clung to my legs, and my bare feet felt odd on the wet carpet.

The wind had changed without warning. For a couple minutes, the rain had been falling almost straight down, but now I could see drops rapidly appearing on the window before gravity took control and dragged them downward to the bottom of the glass.

I lifted my freezing, wet hand up to my face, bringing it eye level with the palm facing up. I gave it a shake, sending water flying in all directions, but it was still wet. Dropping my hand to my side, I clenched my teeth and breathed in, then out—a sharp inhalation followed by a shaky exhalation. I swallowed, then repeated the process until I could control my breathing. Then, I turned and ran to the door, knowing I was leaving behind a trail of watery footprints that I couldn't do anything about. I would have to clean up the mess later, but for now my only goal was to dry off. Door wide open and window shut tightly, I left my room in search of a towel, a change of clothes, and maybe—no, definitely—a warm drink.


	11. Chapter 11: Move

_Leaving things behind has never been easy for me. As a gamer, I've been trained to make use of every item, every potion, and every skill in my arsenal. It bothers me when something is disused or discarded; I always wonder if I'll need it in the future, when I won't have it readily available. One of the things that I wish I had was a bag without a bottom. How I would love to be able to reach into my pocket and pull out anything I've ever owned._

 _My situation in real life is nowhere near as extreme. Sure, I am leaving my belongings behind, but they aren't going to disappear. I could come back any time, whenever I feel like it. I could come back to cheer myself up when I'm feeling lonely or stressed. I could come back to sate a feeling of nostalgia for life during my highschool years. All the things I'm leaving behind are nothing but hobbies, entertainment. I try to tell myself, I've argued with myself, "None of these are actually important. None of it is necessary." It may be harsh, but that's the only way I could ever convince my collector's soul to abandon the material wealth I've accumulated over the years. But even so, the feeling of longing has not left me._

 _Maybe it's something else that causes me to feel this way. The things I'm leaving behind are hobbies, entertainment—replaceable and easily forgotten on an individual scale. However, and I'm sure of this, they aren't all that I have to leave behind; there's other reasons I regret having to leave this house, and I'm sure they're ones that cannot be seen._

 _ **Move**_

My father heaved a cardboard box into the back of the car. While he groaned with the effort, I lifted some smaller objects and placed them next to the huge cube he had just moved. I blinked and pushed a strand of hair out of my eye, waiting for the wind to die down before picking up another box. As was typical of March, it was a windy day on the colder side of the spectrum; I absentmindedly thanked myself for having the foresight to wear a long-sleeved top today.

"This is all you're bringing with you?" He glanced over the boxes containing my belongings. Although he looked to be in disbelief of my relatively light packing, he nodded and raised both eyebrows in approval. "I'm glad you didn't try to fit all the contents of your room into your car. You probably wouldn't have been able to pull out of the driveway!"

In the biggest box, the one he had taken upon himself to move, was my computer and its components, all bundled in packaging bubbles and padding. The other containers, which I had filled less than an hour ago, held various other things I was bringing with me. Among them were clothes, toiletries, school supplies, and—oddly enough—some dinnerware. I had tried to tell my dad there was no point in bringing plates and utensils to college, but each time he just shook his head and said something ridiculous, like, _"You need to make sure you eat well! Train your cooking skill so you won't live a life of eating out and buying pre-made, store-bought microwave meals!"_

Still, I appreciated the sentiment. I appreciated a lot of things he did for me, even when he was being silly. He might not be on the leaderboards for being anything extraordinary, but that in no way affected his performance as a father. Ever since I was a child, when my mom passed away, he did the best that he could to support his family of two. It was at times like this that made me remember that, and it never failed to bring a smile to my face.

"It's still early. Are you up for a round of Crash Brothers?" He gave me a thumbs up and a confident grin. Last time we had played, the game had been tied up until the very end, when he landed a lucky hit and got the winning point. Normally, I would have been raring for a rematch after such a close game, but I found myself shaking my head.

"Not right now. I have to do something..." I declined his offer, the words slipping out of my mouth much easier than a lie should have. His smile fell a little, but I told myself not to notice. "Thanks for the help, Dad."

He nodded and watched me go, sending me off after telling me about the snacks he had stored in the refrigerator for my enjoyment. Upon entering the house, I took my slippers off and made for the fridge; true to his word, it had been stocked up with refreshments. I took a soft drink and a cup of pudding with me as I made my way up the stairs to the second level. I paused in front of the closed door that led to my cousin's bedroom.

"Yu-chan?" I called her name softly, and tried pushing on the door. It wouldn't move, but I knew that my younger cousin never locked her door. I turned the handle and gently opened the door. Through the crack between the door and the wall, I made out an unmoving lump on the bed that I identified as Yu-chan, still sleeping peacefully. Talking to her could wait until she came to—no need to wake her up.

The door to my own room swung open before me. Stepping around some piles of empty cardboard boxes, I took a seat at the low table in the center of the room. I had always enjoyed being surrounded by the piles of manga and games; it must have been my upbringing and my father's influence. Call it what you want, but I was most at home in this system of organized chaos.

Too late, I realized I had forgotten to grab a spoon for the pudding. I pushed it to the middle of the table, and settled for pulling the tab on the can of soda and taking a sip.

My room hadn't changed much. It was the same place I had lived in for my entire life: a bed, a desk, a table, and an endless cache of entertainment. To others, it was messy, but give me the name of any manga, game, or anime series, and I would be able to locate it in anywhere from ten seconds to ten minutes—classics were under the bed, doujinshi and spinoffs were in the closet and nearby stacks, and so on. Here, I felt something like a librarian dedicated to their books, a person of faith dedicated to their place of worship, a collector dedicated to their archive. This room was a storage unit full of my culture and memories.

So I sat there for a while, letting the feeling of belonging wash over me. Each sip of my drink sent a cool, refreshing feeling through my upper body. The window was open, flooding the room with cool air. Reluctantly, I turned my thoughts toward what had changed—what was missing—in my room.

My desk had been claered, the objects usually on its surface now on the ground. The computer and monitor were the exceptions to this; they were stored in a box inside the trunk of the car. The closet was open, and the clothes that hung inside it were missing. A couple lonely shirts and sweaters were still there, clothes that I had decided to leave for my cousin because I didn't wear them often. Although I couldn't actually see, I knew several titles had been taken out of my collection—namely, some manga I hadn't yet read and a couple things I felt obliged to bring with me. They were all minor differences that were a glaring reminder of the reason I had spent all of this morning packing and carrying boxes.

Today was the final day I would be spending as a permanent residence of this house. I had already slept in my bed for the last time. I would be spending tonight in my new living quarters: the dormitory room of the college I would be attending starting early April, only a few days from now. There, I would be living alone. I had been excited to hear that Kagami had gotten into the same school, but she had already been assigned a room, and it wasn't mine. I still haven't seen the place where I would be sleeping, but I had been giving a list of its furnishings and what I could and couldn't bring. Space was limited, so transferring the entirety of my collection was out of the question. I would be leaving almost all of it behind. Dad would take care of it for me, and he promised to keep it in pristine condition.

Even as I lifted my drink to my lips, I knew it had been emptied from the weight of the can. I set it down on the table, next to the unopened pudding cup, and put both my hands in my lap.

I didn't move for a while. Movement would take away from the welcoming, now solemn atmosphere of my room.

"Funny... Take out a couple things, and suddenly this place looks a lot emptier," I wondered aloud. My words reached no one's ears but my own. I swallowed; my throat and mouth had become dry. For some reason, being along in this room, with its deafening silence, became unbearable. My eyes went to the clock. Twenty minutes had passed. It was getting close to the time I had planned on leaving by.

I reached out and accidentally knocked over the can of soda in an attempt to grab it. It was empty, thankfully. My hand was unsteady, and I was sure I was shaking. I picked up the toppled can and the uneaten snack, then stumbled to my feet and walked to the entrance. I shut the door behind me.

When I had closed the door, I let out a sigh that I hadn't even noticed myself holding. I glanced at the items I was holding—an empty container and a pudding cup at room temperature. Before I leave, I'll have to replace this one with another, and grab a spoon while I'm at it.

My feet made no sound as I walked through the hallway and down the stairs. Nothing happened as I passed my cousin's room, threw away the empty can, and opened the fridge to put the sealed cup back where it had used to be.

I'm going to come back here, soon. Maybe in a couple weeks, or months, or years, I'll make good on that rematch with my dad. One day, I want to come back here and go through my collection again, slowly, and maybe live here again. Just for a little while, before I have to go back to whatever place I live in now.


	12. Chapter 12: Refresh

_"For everything that you leave behind, something new you will find in its place." In the end, the truth varies from person to person. Some people have the misfortune of losing treasure after treasure, like they were involuntarily gambling all of their possessions away. Others can find happiness in everything around them. Right now, I cannot even be sure where I fall on the spectrum. How much have I lost, and how much have I found? It may be presumptuous of me to say that I have lost something when no great tragedy has befallen me. I have no idea of knowing when I may consider something lost: when it is like a machine broken beyond repair, when it is like a lost trinket or bauble, or when it is like an old light bulb—fading, flickering, and dying._

 ** _Refresh_**

My vision was still blurred from sleep, but I could make out the time on the clock by my bedside. There were still ten minutes left until I actually had to get up. I decided not to sleep in. Since I was already awake, and it was almost time to go, I might as well be early.

The floor was cold and smooth to the touch. I was thinking about buying a pair of slippers for my room, even though walking barefoot was the norm in Japan. Now that I was living away from my family, I could afford to deviate from tradition a little bit. Westerners rarely adhered to strict tradition or formalities; nobody would mind if I took a leaf out of their book.

Out of laziness, I decided to skip making my bed. I went about the same morning routine which I had repeated for the last couple of years. The washroom was simple and small in comparison to what I grew up with, but it did not matter to me. I cleaned my face at the sink and brushed my teeth before going back into the main room.

My first class would start fifteen minutes past eight. I wanted to leave fifteen minutes early to give myself plenty of time to find the classroom. It would take a couple of days before I could become my own navigator, so I had to carry around a map of the university grounds.

As a going-away gift, my dad handed me a green messenger bag for my books—he said the color matched my eyes—and a small gray shoulder bag for my personal belongings. The two of them now sat at the foot of my bed. After slipping into some better suited clothes, I picked up the green bag and slung it over my shoulder. While I was shifting it around to find a comfortable position, someone spoke up behind me.

"Up already?" asked a playful voice. I turned around and looked at the girl sitting on the bed opposite mine.

"Yeah. I want to walk around a bit before class starts," I replied. The girl grunted and stretched her arms. She pushed the covers back and swung her legs out of bed, springing to her feet.

"Wait for me. I'll come too," she said and went into the bathroom. I heard the sound of running water through the closed door.

I met her only a day ago, when I was moving my belongings into my new room. Tomone, she had introduced herself as. I had found her standing in the hallway in front of an open door, which happened to be my destination. Our first act together as room mates was to work together and get our living quarters set up. She was a bit on the weaker side—from the way she had struggled to lift her computer, I could only assume someone helped her up until that point—but she worked hard and without complaint. We finished in under two hours and spent the rest of the day getting to know each other. Our relationship leaped off the ground as we traded words and learned about the other bit by bit.

A few minutes after Tomone emerged from the washroom, we left our dorm and strolled through the halls and down the stairs. Since we had woken up with time to spare, we had the luxury of being able to walk slowly. Her head hovered over my shoulder as she studied the map in my hands. Her brown hair hung down in a curtain around her neck. Interestingly enough, her hair was a brighter shade in the front than it was in the back. She must have gotten it dyed, but I could not tell if the natural color was light or dark.

"We have the same first class, right?" Her finger landed on a square marked B-16. I nodded, and she pumped her fist.

"Nice! Now I can rely on you to be my alarm clock!" she cheered. A moment later, she looked me in the eye and laughed. "Just kidding. I can do that on my own, but I wouldn't mind if you wanted to."

"Your eyes," I blurted out. "They're... what's the word, heterochromatic something?"

"Heterochromia iridum," she corrected me. "Specifically, I have center heterochromia. One of my eyes has two colors."

Tomone must have known I wanted a better look, so she stopped walking and pushed her face out for me to see. Her right eye was a solid brown, but the brown of her left eye was broken up by silvery streaks stemming from the pupil. It was strange, how I had not noticed before.

"Is that the reason you colored your hair?" I said. Tomone nodded.

"That's right! You pieced that together pretty quick," she giggled. "I figured you were smart."

When we found our class, we chose seats near the front, on the side of the room closer to the door. A couple students had gotten here before us and were talking quietly. In the next five or six minutes, more people entered the class including the teacher after all the students had arrived.

"Good morning! I hope you are all ready to go, because this is the start of the academic year," she greeted us. Her voice carried all the way to the back of the room. "I'm a morning person, and I apologize to those of you who aren't. Please don't get annoyed if I seem overly cheerful at eight in the morning.

"You can call me Azumakawa, Azuma, Azu, whatever you want as long as you use an honorific. I think respect can only be mutual. My duty as a professor is to teach you what I know, but I would enjoy becoming friends with you all."

The rest of the class passed uneventfully. Azuma-sensei, as I dubbed her, was exactly as she said she would be: overly cheerful. I noticed when I looked around that some students had given up listening and were instead focusing on their phones, books, or simply staring into space.

When the bell rang, I followed Tomone out of the room. Although she was in the same year as me, I felt like she would know a bit more about these things than I would.

"A lot of people don't seem to care, huh?" I asked her. She looked at me and blinked.

"About class?" she prodded. "Yeah, you're right. Have you heard college students say, 'College is the spring break of life'?"

The saying was not all that rare. I had heard it several times, once or twice from customers at the cosplay cafe. "Is college really that easy?"

Tomone tipped her head in thought. "Well, it depends on a couple things. Mostly, your motivation and the school you go to. Getting into a good university is the hardest part. After that, it's smooth sailing. If you get bad grades or attendance, the fact still stands that you were accepted. Most of the time, that's enough to get a student into a good job. A lot of people take advantage of that and spend more time having fun than studying."

I could understand that. It had been one hell of a cram to pass entrance examinations and take care of everything else necessary. I had certainly gotten off easier than most, but even then it had been no joke. The experience was brutal, and I definitely felt the need for a break after going through all of that.

"Still, to shrug off all that responsibility just to have some fun..." I puffed out my cheeks. "It almost makes me want to do the same!"

"I'll follow your lead," joked Tomone. I could tell because of the way she smirked. "But only for a couple days, then it'll be back to business. It's our job to become the sole role models of the community!"

"Actually, there will be at least one more person standing with us..." I trailed away for dramatic effect. I had spotted that person just now. When she saw me, a big smile broke across her face.

"Hey, Konata!" Kagami waved as she made her way over to us. She fell into step beside me and looked at Tomone. "We haven't met, have we?"

"It's our first time meeting. My name is Tomone Hashira. I'm bedding with Konata here," she said and nudged me in the ribs. I gave her a small shove.

"Ah... Okay. My name is Kagami Hiiragi. Konata and I came from the same high school. It's nice to meet you!" Kagami bowed, and Tomone mimicked the gesture.

We saw that other students in the hallway were trying to get past, so we pulled over. The three of us consulted our schedules and maps to figure out who was going where.

"Looks like I'm out of here, then. My class is in a different room," Tomone told us. She said goodbye and was about to walk away when I stopped her.

"Do you have a map?" I asked. "You won't get lost, right?"

"Please, I'm capable of handling myself," she laughed. Her hand reached into her bag and pulled out a phone. "But, let me take a picture of that just in case, because I probably won't see you until lunch."

It was a pleasant surprise to find that the same room was marked on both our maps. Kagami and I shared a class! Even though we only had one period in common, I felt a little better about the rest of the year now.

I could tell already that Tomone was one of the best friends I would make at this new school. I was sure that she was going to be the one to keep me afloat this year, but there was still plenty of space in my heart for the friends I already had. They were the only people that had seen the full extent of my personality. Tomone knew I liked anime and games and manga, but they knew about my obsessive interest in them. I had told Tomone about my family and friends, but they _were_ my family and friends.

The classroom was half full when Kagami and I arrived. I scanned the room, looking for some place to sit. A pair of empty seats near the window caught my eye, and I reached out to grab Kagami's sleeve but caught nothing. I thought it was odd that she was staring into space and not paying attention, but I stopped myself before I could speak. Her face was lit up the same way it had been earlier, when she had seen me.

"Konata, this way," she said and took my wrist. I went along with her and followed her line of sight to the person that enraptured her so. I nearly tripped when I realized who Kagami was calling out to. "Kazuo! Over here!"

"Hey! Fancy seeing you here, Kagami, Konata." He smiled and scooted over. "It's cool that we get to have a class together."

Kagami sat down, leaving me with no choice but to do the same. She started talking to Kazuo and, thankfully, included me as well. Since Kagami was going out of her way to make sure she was not ignoring me, I had to return the favor even if I was feeling awkward in the presence of the third person.

I found myself smiling and laughing and going as far as to making some jokes. Still, the friendly conversation did nothing to ease the contractions in my chest.

My eyelids started to feel heavy, so I let them close. Resting my head on the desk, I waited for the bell to signal the start of class. During my high school years, I slept a lot during class. Kagami knew that much about me, so I was comfortable with letting myself drift off here. If I made sure to pay attention when I was awake, sleeping in this class would not prove to be a problem.

 _One too many, two too few._

At one point, the phrase crossed my mind. I felt bad about it, yet my mind continued to stray. I could not help but think: This would be perfect if only they were here...


	13. Chapter 13: Distraction

_College has always seemed far off and unreal. The people I see everywhere are social and refined: boyfriends, girlfriends, and best friends. They carry drinks and shopping bags, laptops and books, backpacks and shoulder bags. They wear fashionable clothes, enjoy the newest games and movies, and manage to keep up with their studies at the same time. They show their mastery in their juggling act, balancing school, life, and social lives._

 _I never once thought about the people who stayed out of the spotlight. They must have had their reasons—things that stopped them from being "out there" with the others, things like low self-esteem or social awkwardness. Something could be holding them back, whether it was something that only existed in their mind or was all too real: paranoia, a problem, or a promise._

 _ **Distraction**_

Tomone was big on "occidental" tea. She talked about it with me once: It was convenient, and she loved the flavor. Although she liked green tea just as much as the next person, her preferences leaned more toward the western variants. Chamomile was her favorite.

Among our age group, coffee was actually more popular, but she stubbornly refused to drink the stuff. "Caffeine makes you crash if you don't drink enough after drinking too much," is what she argued. She also repeated a lot of things I had heard elsewhere: Coffee was unhealthy and addictive, and science proved that tea had better effects with little to no downsides. I have the feeling she was more of a spiritual drinker than a studious drinker, but either way she was still passionate.

That conversation led her to introduce me to her supply of tea from America. Almost a dozen flavors of tea bag were hidden in a container under her bed, but she laid the boxes out on a table and told me I was free to use them as I liked. She wrote her favorites on a sheet of paper and put it up on the wall. I think she was hoping to get me addicted, because the note was also an all-inclusive guide on which flavor to pick depending on the time and situation.

Mint was Tomone's pick for late-night study sessions. The label on the box described it as an "invigorating herbal infusion" with peppermint, spearmint, and tarragon. There were three-step instructions scribbled out for me: add hot water, wait five minutes, then enjoy.

Kindling my love for foreign tea must have been her plan all along, but I honestly did not mind sharing more in common with her. I set my steaming hot drink aside and picked up a pen to twirl in my fingers. I might just leave college westernized—first slippers, now mint tea.

My notebook had gone untouched for a while now. It was open between a blank page and one nearly covered in my handwriting. I was wide awake thanks to my invigorating herbal infusion, but I was no longer in the mood to put pen to paper.

Studying was not difficult, but it took up a lot of time. I had discovered that recently, when I estimated half a day of downtime but ended up with not even one hour. It was a downer that I would not have the same amount of freedom as I did in high school, but I had not arrived expecting college to be a breeze.

In the last three years, I had barely taken the time to open a textbook outside of school. All of my time had been spent indulging in games and hobbies or running around town enjoying merchandise stores and restaurants. I would never go as far as to say my habits had been shameful, but I wanted to turn over a new leaf. Attending university had been a desperate last-minute decision arranged for me by my teacher, but now that I was here, I may as well give it my all.

Even for all my bravado, parts of me still wanted to seek comfort in my old ways. I thought of all the people I left behind when I uninstalled most of my online games from my computer. I could imagine a controller in my hands, and it was still a much more familiar grip than holding a pencil. There were heaps of books and DVDs in my room that I had yet to open. I used to invite Kagami over to my house, and we would enjoy each and every new release together.

My phone buzzed and lit up. Glad for an excuse to continue not working, I slid it closer and clicked receive without even bothering to check who was calling.

"Hey, Konata!" I recognized the voice as soon as I picked up. "I'm not even surprised you're still up."

"You know me well, Kagamin. I'm a night owl, and it doesn't matter to me if I'm studying or playing."

For a while, we made meaningless conversation about the usual stuff. We compared our progress on the homework from our shared class, and she was ahead of me even though I had decided not to leave it for later. I was thinking about asking her if there was a reason why she had called before I heard my name over the line.

"Konata, what are you doing right now?" she asked. "Are you free?"

I stopped spinning my pen for a second and looked over my shoulder. My room-mate was unconscious, having dozed off while reading a novel. "Yeah, I could use a distraction. Something in mind?"

Minutes later, I was alone in the silent hallways with my gray shoulder bag resting against my side. The glass double doors at the end of the corridor previewed nothing except darkness, but light from the street lamps entered my vision as I approached. When I reached the doors and pushed them open, a breath of cool wind blew past me. Stepping through the door was like walking into an air-conditioned room.

Kagami was waiting for me. "That was fast," she commented and walked closer, smiling. "Were you that eager to get out of studying?"

"Maybe, maybe not," I grinned, "but I'm always ready to have fun!"

From streetlight to streetlight, we walked to the edge of the university grounds and along the perimeter sidewalk. Every once in a while, Kagami caught my eye in some way or another. She was wearing a white t-shirt with the words _Tokyo City_ spelled out in English. Her shorts were black and stopped just above her knees. She met my eyes and smiled.

Around this time of year, the weather was average even during after hours, but a barely detectable breeze lowered the temperature a few degrees. I crossed my arms and nudged her with my shoulder to get her attention.

"Where's your jacket?" I asked her. "It's a little icy, isn't it? I'm cold and I have long sleeves!"

"I'm not that cold," Kagami shook her head.

I grabbed her arm. Her skin was cool to the touch. "Really? Feels like I'm holding your frozen heart in my hands."

She gave me a short laugh and pulled her arm away. "You're imagining it. Your body temperature is higher than mine."

My hands were warm, and I took advantage of that to warm my wrists. The university was behind us now, and we were surrounded by the neon lights of the city. In the streets of modern Japan, night did not necessarily mean dark. Power outages were the only thing that shut off the lights. Kagami led me to a shop with no seating and very little in the way of furniture. Regardless, some other people were gathered here, talking and sipping colorful drinks through straws.

"I've been here once or twice," Kagami said. "Their boba tea is pretty good compared to most of the other places."

Boba tea was apparently a Taiwanese thing. It was chilled milk tea mixed with tapioca and jelly. For some reason, it was more popular overseas than it was in Japan, even though the concept seemed to go hand-in-hand with Japanese nightlife. I even thought it was a Japanese thing until I read about it on the internet.

"We can go get crepes too," she offered as we walked out of the shop with our drinks in hand. I shook my head—any more and I would have trouble falling asleep tonight.

The shopping mall was not on our agenda as it turned out. Kagami might have had a destination in mind, but I was just following after her. Together, we walked down a straight path for a while, and eventually the shops and businesses of the city center grew quieter.

"We can catch a train back to the university," she told me. "For now, I wanted to take you here. Have you been here before?"

Again, I shook my head. In the first weeks of school, I had not gone far from the university; everything I needed was closeby if not within the building. A change of scenery was nice though, and this was my first time exploring the city I had moved to. Buildings no longer towered above our heads on both sides, and a huge open space welcomed us.

"I didn't know this place existed!" I looked around, but darkness prevented me from seeing much of the park. "Civilization at the heart of the concrete jungle, huh?"

"There's something wrong with that sentence," Kagami retorted. I laughed and walked ahead of her, raising my voice to challenge the solitude of the empty park.

We set off on the winding sidewalk that led through the park. I looked into the blinding light of one of the lamps that lit our path, then glanced sidelong at Kagami. There were so many things that I would like to say to her, but I had no idea where to start.

A fountain guzzled water in the center of the park and, like a child, I was drawn to the sound of running water. To my disappointment, Kagami insisted on taking it slowly, so we stayed on the path and filled the time with idle chatter.

She gave me a curious look when I told her about my room-mate's obsession with tea. "You mean Tomone, right?" she asked. "How is she? As a room-mate, I mean."

I took a sip of my drink before answering. "She's normal, but not normal." I grinned as Kagami frowned, trying to figure out what I meant by that. "We share a lot of interests, so we get along well."

She looked relieved and happy on my behalf. "I'm glad," she sighed. "I'm not sure what to think about my room mate, though."

"Tell me about her," I prompted. "What's her name?"

She hesitated and bit her lip. "Alexandra," she said slowly. "I may be saying it wrong. She told me it's European." She stopped walking and put a fist on her chin in thought. I tried to create Alexandra in my mind's eye as Kagami described her to me.

Alexandra was a tall, matured girl with dyed red hair that she let down. Her eyes were black and constantly moving. She was smart but took a gung-ho approach to her studies, preferring to spend her time going out with friends or relaxing by herself.

"We're practically polar opposites," Kagami said. "She prioritizes her personal life over everything."

"She sounds a bit like me in a way," I nodded sagely. "Not bad."

Kagami laughed and tapped my shoulder. "You two may get along, yeah. But I don't think she's very invested in anything like you are, so that's one difference between the two of you."

"Like I am?" I repeated. I had no idea what she meant by invested. It might have been a bad thing that I could not think of any examples.

The sidewalk disappeared beneath me, and I realized the road had curved while I was not paying attention. "Well, your hobbies," Kagami began to explain as I righted myself. "You have a huge collection of anime and manga, you're a black belt in martial arts, you can cook... That sort of stuff."

I was happy to hear her say it. Everything she said was true—label me as an otaku, martial artist, and chef. Those were all things to be proud of.

The fountain was closer now. Kagami made like she was going to continue, but she saw the fountain and paused for a second. "I actually wish I was well rounded like you." She looked at me and smiled. "When it comes to that type of thing, I don't really have anything to show besides maybe a lawbook."

"Nah, don't say that!" Immediately, I refuted her statement and jabbed her in the side. "If you act like that, you'll ruin college for yourself. Trust me, I know this kind of plot development," I added with a grin.

Her laughter struck a chord in me, and the next sip of my bubble tea was sweeter than the last. "Thanks, Konata."

We neared the fountain and left the conversation on that happy note. Over the gurgle of the water, the scuffing of my shoes on the pavement sounded intruding. Beside me, Kagami took a deep breath and let out a relieved sigh. For a few minutes, the only sounds were of the fountain and of us shuffling around. The lights were too far from the fountain to have any effect, but our close surroundings were visible thanks to the moon, which would soon be floating directly above my head.

To no avail, I tried looking for the stars that were surely up there as well. There was a whole explanation about why there were no stars in Japan's sky, throwing around science terms like light pollution. It was ironic, considering how meaningful the stars were in Japanese mythology; our ancestors' culture had revolved around astrology like the earth around the sun, and yet we had blocked our view of the heavens by building a field of glowing lights on the ground.

"Konata?" Hearing my name being called drew me out of my thoughtful mood.

"What's up, Kagami?"

She was sitting next to me on the edge of the fountain, dipping a hand into the cold water. "You've gotten so mature, lately." Her eyes, which had been cast down at the water in search of something, went to me. "It hasn't been all that long since we graduated from high school, and... Now that I see you looking so pensive and relaxed..." she trailed off. "You've really come a long way, but I don't want Konata to disappear."

After a second, I let her see my trademark smile. "I'm not going anywhere," I told her. Kagami smiled and looked back at the fountain. The worry I had seen in her eyes disappeared. Her lips moved, but I heard nothing.

"I wanted to tell you something," she said after a moment. Water dripped from her fingers as she lifted her hand from the water and shook it gently. That something must have been the reason why she took me here in the first place. It was only obvious that whatever she had to say was important.

Kagami placed her nearly empty drink down and put her hands behind her on the edge of the basin. Taking my silence as encouragement, she trained her eyes on the sky and spoke. "You already know Kazuo. He's that guy from my class back in high school."

Her pose was relaxed and her eyes lazy, but the way she was speaking set off alarm bells in my head. My guard was already up at the mention of Kazuo; as if that was not enough, she was beating around the bush. Once it was obvious that I was not going to comment, she kept going.

"We've been hanging out, since our schedules are really similar," she said. "Did you know he's planning to get into business?"

"I didn't know. That sounds cool," I lied. Business had never been appealing to me, but to each their own.

"And he can probably do it, too! He's smart and plans ahead." Kagami nodded in approval. "But when it comes to him as a person, there's actually a lot more to him."

Guiltily, I found myself spacing out while she listed some of his endearing qualities. I had never seen him as a friend, especially since he had only officially introduced himself to our group in the home stretch of our final year. I tried to make a few comments here and there, since it was rude to offer nothing but silence. Being enthusiastic was more difficult than I thought it would be.

"He'd totally be popular with the ladies, am I right?" I joked, stretching my arms above my head. "He must be a total chick magnet. Hey, be honest," I found myself asking, "how much do you like him?"

Too many seconds passed in between question and answer. I wondered if I had come off as cheeky by asking, but the thought perished when I looked at the girl sitting next to me. Her head rested at a tilt, her face upturned, eyes closed and brows knit.

"I like him a lot," she finally spoke. "Which is why I agreed when he asked me to meet him outside of school on Sunday."

"Outside of school means... a date?" My mouth must have been hanging open. Shutting my mouth and locking my jaw, I watched Kagami nod with a nervous smile creeping across her face.

"A date, Konata! I might be overreacting, but I'm so excited!"

This was Kagami's first date. Making that realization was like watching a bird rise out of its ashes. My expression was out of place, so I fixed it. "You finally found yourself a soul mate?" I cheered loudly, confident that only she could hear. "Kagamin, you've made me so proud, I don't even know how to respond to that!"

Our drinks were empty, so we tossed them into a trash can on our way out of the park. Sure enough, we were able to board a convenient taxi that dropped us off at the university—it beat having to walk home. As our driver took off, the two of us walked to and through the glass doors of our school. Thankfully, our student access cards let us into the locked building where the dorms were.

"I'll see you later!" I started and saw that she was already leaning down a different hallway. I waved, giving a smile in place of words. With that, she turned and walked down the branching hall.

I stared after her for a few seconds, knowing she would stop and come back at the sound of my voice, before pulling myself away.

The lights were already on when I unlocked the door and tried to sneak into my room. "Hi Kona," Tomone greeted me. "What were you up to?"

"Hanging out with a friend," I said. "Kagami. You met her." Tomone's eyes lit up and she nodded, but she did not inquire further. For some reason, I felt vaguely let down, like the conversation was left unfinished. Who knows how much I would have told her if she had pried—ironically, she was too polite to question me.

"Your tea was getting cold," she pointed at the desk. Steam rose from my cup. Its lid had been removed and put to the side. "I added some hot water, but it was too diluted, so I just made some more. I think I put in the right flavor: mint?"

It was still hot, and it tasted better than when I had made it. I reassured her that it was the right flavor and thanked her for making it. She had to have brewed it recently, but she had no way of knowing when I would have been back.

Out of idle curiosity, I asked her how she knew it was diluted. My room mate giggled and touched the back of her neck.

"Tea is my thing," she answered. "I take it seriously."

I settled for that answer and sat down at the desk. She had not moved since I last saw her, book in hand. As much as I wanted to go to bed immediately, Tomone had gone out of her way to refill my cup. Midnight was still to come, and I did not feel tired. The warmth of the tea gave me shivers but helped me to relax. There was no need to rush.

My notebook was still in the same place and on the same page. It sat invitingly, waiting for a pencil to touch its pages. After a moment, I sighed and decided studying could wait. I had plenty of days to finish. That left me without anything to do. There was no television in our room, and I knew it would be a waste of time to turn on my computer.

Vapor floated up from my drink and disappeared before my eyes. The minty taste was strong and refreshing. I knew that certain blends could have different effects: chamomile could lull a person into sleep, and green tea could keep them awake. Tomone had suggested mint for studying; she told me it would help me focus and stop me from nodding off.

Those were the two things I wanted least right now. It was impossible to blame her for having good intentions, but I bit my lip and frowned into the light greenish-brown liquid. However nice this mint tea tasted and smelled, it was the opposite of what I wanted right now. I did not want to sit idly for the best of half an hour. Without something to do, there was no point in drinking tea to stay awake. I had nothing that I wanted to think about.

So, Kagami and Kazuo, huh...


	14. Chapter 14: Nap

_From sleeping in way past schedule to fighting off sleep for the whole day, everybody plays second fiddle to their body's circadian rhythm. Nobody can truly control when they fall asleep and when they wake up; it all happens naturally, and the only way to fix it is by setting alarms, taking medication, or being so deprived of sleep that it somehow skews your schedule into place._

 _Dreams are yet another thing that nobody can control. They're invented from the subconscious—a person's innermost thoughts and feelings, their memories, and their fantasies. Everybody sleeps, and everybody dreams. Sometimes, the meaning of a dream may not even be apparent to the dreamer. Other times, the dreamer may not even know they had a dream that night. Like elements created by scientists, dreams may last for only a second before disappearing. They may never reappear, yet that brief existence for not even a tenth of a second is enough to give plenty of food for thought._

 _Yet sometimes, sleeping can be difficult. The slightest instability—delayed sleep phase syndrome, insomnia, or countless other problems—can throw the whole system off. Sometimes, it's just plain old bad habit that can mess up someone's sleeping schedule: sleeping late and therefore waking up later, or sleeping too early and staying up all night. A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect, and a ripple grows into a wave, which is the wake-up call that says, "You have a problem."_

 _ **Nap**_

Whatever had happened last night, I could barely remember it. I had been dreaming about something, and it had been nice and pleasant. Already, the memory was growing blurrier.

I rolled over in bed and ran a hand through my hair. I could still recall the voices I had heard, but they were impossibly faint, and I could no longer identify who was talking. Some of the words had already faded, leaving me on my own to figure out what was happening in each scene. In my mind's eye, I could see people's faces against all sorts of backdrops, but their expressions became less animated with every passing second. My recollection of everything was already fuzzy.

I didn't remember exactly where I had started and where I had ended. For a while, I had been at my martial arts dojo—a place I hadn't seen in several years, now. There had been a few other people there, but only one of them really stood out: one of the black belts, a boy around my age, whom I had always seen as a little difficult to approach. He never combed his hair and seemed to be constantly pushing it out of his eyes, which were stolid and always guarded. Despite his judgmental appearance, he was pretty normal and relatable, and at times he was actually quite prone to making mistakes.

Even after a few years, I had never really reached out to him. I had known him ever since he joined my class, but there had always been a little bit of distance between us. Although we weren't close friends, we weren't exactly unfriendly either.

I had never seen him wearing anything besides a martial arts uniform. Even in my head, he had worn the same thing. Maybe that was why the setting of my dream had been in a place I'd nearly forgotten.

Something was keeping me from going back to sleep. My room was dark and still very cool. I turned over to face the wall, hunching my shoulders and curling my toes. The blanket muffled the complaintive moan that I let slip out of pure desultory laziness. Right now, the last thing I wanted to do was get up. There was no class today, thus there was no need to worry about anything beyond the realm of my bed.

Almost unwillingly, I turned my head and opened my eyes ever so slowly. It took a while to adjust; even the light coming from across the room was too bright to look at. Tomone must be awake, which would also explain why I had woken up in the first place. Nothing interesting was happening, so I turned my head and tried to go back to sleep.

Footsteps and a hushed voice pulled me from the sleepy stupor I was trying to enjoy.

"Kona... Konata. You awake?"

As much as I tried to ignore the whispering, I was awake once I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I wanted to go back to sleep again, but the door to dreamland had closed as soon as I heard my room mate's voice. My eyes were shut and I was still set on sleeping, but for some reason she kept shaking me.

"Konata, you should get up," she said persistently. "You need to eat."

A disinterested grunt was all I could offer her. The shaking stopped, but I could tell she was still standing right next to me. Reluctantly, I sat up and pried my eyes open.

Tomone was a silhouette standing over me, looking down with disapproval.

"I left some dinner for you," she told me in an almost stern voice. "Try to eat, or you'll be hungry again. It's already past dinnertime, okay?"

She sounded worried. I assured her that I would be fine and that I would eat in a bit, and she seemed to be satisfied with that. Her eyes continued to stray over to me every now and then, even as she settled on her bed with phone in hand.

I sat on the edge of my bed and found my slippers. I still didn't feel ready to stand up, but I had to at least show her I was putting in the effort, or else she would notice and chide me again.

The only other thing I could think about while I waited for the sleepiness to pass was the dream I'd had. People dream about their desires, or so I had heard before. Whatever fantasy they wished for, no matter how unlikely, was fair game. Even if they didn't know it themselves, there was always something a person wanted, and it would reveal itself in their dreams.

In my dream, the boy had been in a relationship—with one of my closest friends, even: Miyuki Takara of class 3-B. At the time, it had seemed like the most logical thing. Even now that I was awake, I didn't find the idea all too strange.

Everyone had accepted it, including myself, so that was that. Nothing was strange for two people to be in a relationship. That was the power of dreams: to trick, to inveigle, and to make real of things that were just fantasies. Even I had joked and smiled the way I usually do when I talk to people.

I wasn't sure what to take from the experience. Whatever had happened to influence my dreams in such a way, or whether there was some meaning in it about those two in particular or about something entirely different... I couldn't be sure about anything. The boy didn't have very much in common with Miyuki, and I hadn't even seen Miyuki for a while—let alone the other boy. It could have been for any other reason.

Outside the window, I noticed absently, it was unusually dark. There was the bluish black of night time, like ink from an inkwell flooding a canvas, and barely any light shone through the window.

Clearly it wasn't morning. I had mistaken the time. When I slept, it had still been Saturday, so today must have been Sunday. Since it was dark outside, that meant I had slept for almost twenty-four hours. The numbers didn't add up, though; when people slept for a full day, didn't they wake up feeling totally refreshed and ready to change the world? I didn't even feel like I could take on a jigsaw puzzle, let alone the world.

On my bedside stand, my phone vibrated and the screen lit up. I glossed over the new notification—it was just an update to a forum, and I couldn't be bothered to read every post—and flicked down the menu to check the time and date. It took me a moment to process that it was still Saturday, and it was eight at night.

Setting my phone down clumsily, I got up and walked to the table in the middle of the room between the beds and the door. Awaiting me was a small brown takeout box and a set of wooden chopsticks.

Now I knew why Tomone had been so insistent: I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. I had gone to sleep at such an unusual time, I slept right through dinner. She sounded so worried...

The box was still warm, so I went ahead and ate. The stir-fried noodles, vegetables, and meat—I think it was beef—were oily but thankfully still warm. Thankfully, there were some napkins closeby.

Tomone must have been watching. Shortly after I started to dig in, she cleared her throat and said, "I hope you like Chinese. I sort of just felt like having some today."

I was perfectly fine with her tastes, so I nodded and thanked her, and she responded with a content "Mm."

Usually, I didn't go for Chinese food, but it reminded me of the guilty pleasures of my high school life. It brought back fond memories of the holidays—countless evenings spent staying up late playing video games with my dad until one of our stomachs growled. Then, he would lean over and grab his phone, auto-dial a number, and ask me what I wanted while waiting for the other side to pick up. At first, I hadn't known how to respond, but eventually I learned the menu from hearing him order aloud: one noodle, one beef, one pork...

I finished my noodles and the last pieces of meat before closing the empty box. I recited the usual post-meal phrase, knowing that my room mate was listening somewhere behind me.

Feeling like there was something else to be said, I looked over my shoulder at my room mate. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed and reading something on her phone, but almost as soon as I laid eyes on her, she looked up and matched my gaze. Even in the uneven lighting, I could still make out her dual-colored eye with its brown and silvery blue.

"Um, hey. Tomone," I said for the sake of breaking the silence. Now that I had her attention, I had no idea what to say next. I shifted and rested an elbow on the back of my chair, trying to think of a casual way to phrase things.

A few awkward seconds went by, then she smiled a little. She put her phone down and turned around to face me, as if to say "You have my undivided attention."

Some words floated into my head, and I grabbed at them. "I just wanted to thank you," I said to her, putting my hands in my lap. "I've been so tired lately that I didn't even notice I was skipping meals."

"It's fine," she responded automatically, but then stopped like she was reevaluating her answer.

My room mate diverted her gaze and looked at a spot on the floor.

"Konata, I was a little worried about you," she murmured. "I mean, I knew you hadn't eaten yet, but you've been sleeping less that I didn't want to wake you; but you ended up missing dinner yesterday too, so I couldn't let you sleep through it again. I really didn't know what to do."

Her words triggered a memory in my mind, and I thought back to something she had said earlier when my head was still foggy.

"Yesterday?" I repeated. "What about the day before that?"

For just how many days had I slept through dinner: two, three, four, an entire week? To think that all this was going on, and somehow I hadn't realized until now—

"No," Tomone shook her head quickly, "just yesterday."

"Oh. Well..." My voice trailed away as I wiped my mouth with the napkin to give myself some time to think. Two days in a row was better than what I had imagined, but it was still a little shocking.

I left the box on the counter and stood up. Impulse carried me over to Tomone's bed, and before I could lose the nerve to act, I hugged her. Actions speak louder than words, but in truth they could easily speak too loud and imply the wrong things. I was afraid that she would be surprised or shocked or put off, so I made sure to talk first.

"Thanks, Tomone. I'm sorry I worried you, but I'm glad you care so much."

But, she wasn't surprised. She might have been, but I couldn't sense it in her body language. The time we had known each other wasn't very long, and I hadn't given her the impression that I was clingy or needy, but she didn't seem like she minded all too much.

"You're welcome, Konata," she said and put her arms around me. "You can count on me to feed you when you forget!"

She squeezed me for a few seconds then let go, and I saw her smile and her eyes and maybe even the thoughts behind them.

"I'm your room mate, Konata. I'll always be here for you."


	15. Chapter 15: Holiday

_Christmas has a different meaning for everybody, not just individually but culturally. It started out as a religious festival for Christians to celebrate the birth of Christ. For nonreligious westerners, it represents a time of giving presents and celebrating. For the Japanese, it's less about presents than it is about spending time with the people, or person, you love._

 _Foreigners are often surprised that Christmas is so widespread in Japan even though Christians are a minority. Even more surprising is the history behind the religion. Back in the sixteenth century, Christianity was used as a pawn in a political struggle to counter the influence of Buddhist sects. But after Buddhism was driven into a corner, the shogunate turned on Christianity and drove it out of the country. Christians were oppressed to near-extinction, and even today they're only one percent of the population. Yet out of all the things that could have happened, Christmas became a celebration of love and family._

 _It's a mystery to me how it happened._

 _I never planned to spend my Christmas Eve waiting in line against a brick wall. The sky was dark and smoky; the trees were leafless and lifeless; the street was lit by streetlights and the headlamps of passing cars; and in the distance, the skyscrapers discernible from anyplace in the city flashed their blinking red warning lights at airplanes. My breath was thick, ephemeral—quick to disappear._

 _It was a winter night in urban Japan._

 _ **Holiday**_

I laid my hand on the red brick wall to my left. The tips of my fingers, exposed at the ends of my soft-knit gloves, caressed the rough stonework. Brick masonry was rare in Japan, but many of the buildings in this area were built of it. This district was modeled after a settlement in the West, so much of the architecture reflected that.

Japanese interest in the West always amazed me. Despite having a strong, persevering sense of national identity, there was always a wary fascination of occidental life. My only reminder that I was in the same country was the language on the signs and spoken by my friends.

There was a public event being held here: the Christmas market, which had gained popularity over the years. Because today was Christmas Eve, the place was packed with visitors; when we arrived, the line already stretched around three corners.

Kagami had been the first to hear about the market, and she had called us all together to check it out before it ended for the year—just like when we were in high school, she had said on the phone. Yet right after that, she had controverted herself: Her newfound love interest would be tagging along. When I had heard her say his name, my heart had lost its will to soar.

I wanted to shout, to deny, to tell her that she couldn't bring him. He took up all her attention, always reflected in her eyes, but he had never spent time with her like we had. But I was nobody to order her around and tell her who she could and couldn't invite. I was just jealous—afraid because my closest friend was drifting out of arm's reach and mad because he was the one pulling her away.

Feeling like I had needed to match her, I had told her that Tomone wanted to come as well. But after the line was dead, it had hit me that I did not know if Tomone would want to go or not. Later, when she had returned to our room, I had asked her if she was doing anything for Christmas Eve.

 _"Me? Well, my family wants me back home for the weekend,"_ she had said. _"I only live in the suburbs, about a forty-minute ride on the metro, but I haven't seen them since school started. Gotta keep in touch, you know?"_

Without knowing it, Tomone reminded me to visit my own family—my father and my little cousin, the people whom I had shared countless Christmases with.

When I had told Kagami that Tomone hadn't been able to make it, she had practically patted me on the shoulders with her words. But even as she had lamented about how dismayed my room mate must have been, I could see her brushing hands with the close friend she had invited along.

"Come on guys," Kagami beckoned to us now as the line shifted forward. "We're almost at the front of the line. I don't think there's an admission fee, so we can just go in."

Tsukasa and Miyuki were standing right beside me. Our breath came out in clouds that were only visible for seconds. The two of them shared an excited look, and we all smiled in anticipation. For a moment, I didn't care that our group was one more than before; I could finally spend some time with my friends, and that was what truly mattered.

"Let's go!" cheered the Hiiragi twins, and we all plunged into the busy marketplace streets. Walking side by side became impossible with the size of our group. The five of us were strung out in a line, playing a game of follow the leader with Kagami at the front and Kazuo close behind her. The crowd meandered deeper into the market district, and we went with the flow of the masses.

From living in the heart of the city for a while, I had grown accustomed to navigating the convoluted environment. Something about traveling the streets with other city goers—stepping around cars halted in traffic and counting coins in advance to pay for subway tickets without stops—gave me a boost of confidence. Nobody had to know what business I had nor what I did with my time. Like everyone else who trod the crosswalks of the city, I walked with a purpose and asked no questions.

Right now, I was playing the vanguard—last in line after Miyuki. She was out of her element, shuffling around couples and reciting apologies every time she bumped into anyone—classic Miyuki. Watching her stumble through the street brought back memories and put a smile on my face. Hands in my pockets to preserve warmth, I picked up the pace and caught up to her.

"Having trouble?" I smirked at her as she came to a near-complete stop, unable to find a path through the mass of people ahead. "You've never done well with crowds. That hasn't changed."

"It never will," she panted. "I wish I had your intuition in these situations. When it comes to places like this, I get lost easily."

I laughed and held out my palm, waggling my fingers for her to follow me. "Just stay right behind me. You can count on me to clear the road for ya."

Miyuki nodded and showed me a relieved smile. I led her through the throng of people, moving at an impeded pace so she wouldn't lose sight of me. We had a system of symbiosis—a buddy system that we had used time and time before. The pink-haired airhead struggled most in populated places, so I always lent her a hand when she needed it.

Tilting my head back, I took a deep breath and exhaled. Watching my breath float upward in a gray cloud of vapor, I couldn't help but blow another stream of smoke from my lips. It was so satisfying and calming.

The air was icy, and some spots on the ground were even covered in frost—mainly near the bases of the walls where people rarely walked. Snow was light in this region, and it was rare to see it coming down if at all. For a chillier climate, one had to travel inland from here. Most of the tourist-trap cities like Tokyo and Kyoto were on the southern half of Honshu, so they were only subject to a small amount of precipitation in comparison to the northern locations.

"It's so cold!" Miyuki chattered, shivering nonetheless. I looked back at her just in time to see her sneeze. "Aren't your hands freezing?"

Holding my hand up in front of my face, I flexed my fingers to make sure there was still feeling within them. "It's not that bad. I'll tell you when my fingers are detachable," I joked before turning back around.

I had purchased a pair of gray fingerless gloves at the outfitter earlier this week. Mittens had never been my thing, and standard gloves still made it difficult to grasp things properly. Icicles might form from the tips of my fingers, but I could deal with that if it meant I could be as dextrous as I usually was.

Miyuki and I rejoined the rest of the group, who were waiting under a streetlamp just up ahead. On the wall, the word "Chocolatier" was written in English on a sign protruding from the wall above a vintage wooden door.

Kazuo motioned at the door and faked a bow. "Who wants hot chocolate?" he asked with his hand already pushing down on the handle.

About fifteen minutes later, we stepped out of the store with paper cups of hot chocolate. For Kagami and I, the barista had drawn art in our cups with white cream. My drink depicted a classic fern with unfurling fronds—Kagami's, a pair of round, white rabbits with straight ears. Unfortunately, we had to cover our cups with lids to walk around safely. Now that my fingers had warmed up, and I had a temporary source of warmth, I was willing to brave the cold with my hands outside of my pockets.

Our walking pace had slowed from before, and the crowd was a slight bit thinner than before. I found myself walking with Tsukasa, who was bundled up from the nose down. I looked at her sideways, taking in her blue wool scarf and earmuffs and puffy windbreaker.

"Are you afraid of the cold, Tsukasa?" I teased her and plucked at her scarf. "I've never seen you wear so many layers before."

She giggled and shook her head as she answered. "I'm not afraid, but I'm super susceptible to the weather. I caught a cold a little while ago, so I'd rather stay warm and cozy than risk catching another one. And Mom practically wrapped me up herself, so..."

I laughed and added, "Susceptible but sensible. She had the right idea. I would've worn more if I'd known it'd be this windy outside!"

The cold had everyone under wraps. Almost nobody had dared to wear a festival yukata, let alone a kimono, outside in this temperature. In these conditions, the shops that attracted the most business were the ones that offered warm drinks. Plenty were brewing coffee, tea, and cocoa to exchange for a couple hundred yen.

Stalls on both sides of the street were cooking, sending fragrant plumes of smoke up into the air. Signs, anywhere from cartoony to crude, listed the menu of a particular vendor. I could see people snacking on all sorts of festival fare, but I was content with my cocoa. I took another sip of my drink, savoring the taste of dark chocolate, and strayed over to Kagami because I hadn't talked to her much today—at least, not without Kazuo within range.

For the first time, I was able to catch Kagami by herself. Noticing me at her side, she caught my eye and smiled.

"Hey Konata," she greeted me like always. "How are you enjoying the market? It's not very Japanese, is it?"

Happy just to talk to her, I shook my head and smiled. "Not in the slightest! It feels like I was teleported to Canada or something."

Kagami laughed. She sipped her drink and was quiet for a few seconds. "I would actually like to go to Canada. I want to do some traveling before I settle down, but it's tough to find the time and money because of university. It'd be cool to go around and tour the world to see what it has to offer. But right now, I'm stuck here in Japan."

She shook her head in dismay and shrugged. I didn't think there was anything wrong with Japan, but she talked like she was bored of living in the land of the rising sun. I turned my cup in my hands while I pondered my response.

"You could travel after you finish school. Maybe even live somewhere for a few years like a homestay," I suggested. Then, I paused and grinned. "Or you could bring your books on the road. I hear there's a lot of downtime in between here and there, so you'll have a little bit of time to study."

"Funny. Like I'd jeopardize my education for a luxury cruise over the Pacific. Although, I do hear the Northern Lights in Yukon are rather nice at this time of year."

In consideration, it would be boring to live in the same place for a lifetime. But I had never left the country nor had I ever wanted to. Just like my parents and almost all of my friends, I had spent my whole life in between the suburbs and the city.

"Why the sudden interest in travel?" I wondered aloud. Kagami hummed and put a finger to her chin.

"Well, Japan is such a small piece of the world. I mean, there are so many places out there: Singapore, Toronto, New York…" She rattled off a list of states and cities. "If I could afford it, I might like to spend my entire life traveling. Doesn't it sound romantic? I'd love to travel from place to place, study the culture and the language, and maybe even take photos and keep a blog..."

Her words trailed away, and she breathed a wistful sigh. While she was enamored with the idea of traveling, I failed to see the beauty of it. Vacations were nice once in a while, but to fly around the world nonstop sounded like a tiring venture. These thoughts in mind, I felt like the two of us were polar opposites: a swallow and a bluebird, a romantic and a realist...

Our party gathered under a heat lamp in a courtyard with a latticed roof, where the wind chill was weaker and other people flocked to escape the cold. I pulled out my phone to check the time. We had a couple more hours until the market closed for the night. Kagami was as prepared as ever, and she had a list of things we could do. There were a number of souvenir shops, restaurants and cafes for dining or a quick bite, tons of photo opportunities, and plenty of places to just hang out and chat.

"Why don't we just walk around a bit more?" she suggested. "We can find someplace to eat later."

All around us, people were taking pictures in the vivacious glow of the lights that formed an illuminant net over our heads. In the middle of the square, visible from a long distance away, there was an enormous Christmas tree decked with lights and ornaments—the whole bough of holly, so to speak. The words "Love" and "Joy", formed by bright arrays of lights, glowed against the bricks.

Next to me, Tsukasa gasped as she looked to the top of the tree. It reached even higher than the buildings surrounding it, and it was crowned with a star carved from transparent crystal. While the rest of us stood amazed by its radiance, Miyuki cleared her throat and held up her phone.

"This is an excellent spot for taking pictures," she pointed out. "Konata, will you join me? Let's take the first photo!"

Handing her phone to Tsukasa, she pushed gently on my shoulder. We stood next to each other with the towering tree behind us. As she situated herself beside me, I watched Kagami talking with Kazuo. While I couldn't hear the words they exchanged, I heard the unmistakable sound of Kagami's laughter clearly over the din. I coughed and fixed my facial expression. Miyuki and I smiled, and the camera captured us with a flash.

Before we could separate, Kazuo interjected. "Wait! Kagami, Tsukasa, go ahead and get in there," he instructed, taking the phone from the latter's hands. "I'll take a picture of the four of you."

The twins joined us with smiles already on their faces. Kagami put her arm around me, and Tsukasa went over to Miyuki's side. With my closest friends surrounding me, a wide grin formed naturally on my lips.

The camera flashed twice for good measure, and the cameraman waved us over to appraise the photos. He handed Miyuki's phone back to her, and she opened the photo album.

I peered around her shoulder to see the screen. "Did anyone close their eyes? If not, we better retake the picture," I said jokingly.

"Nope. The picture is perfect," Miyuki giggled as she saved the image to her favorites. "I'll share it with you later."

"Can you send it to me too?" Tsukasa pleaded. "I want to frame it so I can use it to decorate our tree at home!"

We chatted idly over pictures and tree decorations, but I noticed that Kagami hadn't said anything for a while. She hadn't even looked at the group photo. I looked around and saw her standing next to Kazuo, putting her ear close to his lips to hear what he was saying. They were standing separate from us, so again I couldn't hear anything. After a second, Kagami took out her phone and tapped the screen a few times.

"Konata," she called to me. As I walked over to her, she held the phone out to me. "Can you take a picture of Kazuo and I in front of the tree?"

I couldn't refuse her. The two of them hurried into position in front of the giant Christmas tree, and I rolled my shoulders and pointed the phone camera at them.

"Ready?" I prompted with my finger hovering over the button. They stole a glance at each other and nodded, their cheeks flushed from the cold. "One... Two..."

Right as I was about to take the picture, Kazuo turned to face Kagami, and she automatically did the same. He took her hands, clasped them together, then leaned in and kissed her. My finger twitched on its own.

 _Snap._


	16. Finale: Departure

At first, I wouldn't have believed that seven people could fit into one car. But we were living proof of the feat: six Hiiragis and an Izumi packed into the Hiiragi family minivan. Miki-san, Tadao-san, Matsuri, Inori, Tsukasa, Kagami, and me—Konata. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen all six of them together, and from what I knew about them, it wasn't just because I lived apart from them. After all these years of knowing them, this must have been the first time.

That wasn't to say it was very a comfortable ride though. Every seat was taken, from the driver's seat to the third row of three. I sat in the back row with Kagami, Tsukasa sandwiched in between us. Each time the road turned, we swayed like blades of grass, shoulders always touching. Not even the trunk was left empty; a duffel bag and suitcase took up that space, so that not even a person as small as I was could lie down there.

If Miyuki had come with us, there wouldn't have been any room for her to sit. It worked out that she had other things to do today, but either way we were still disappointed that she hadn't been able to make it. She had already met up with us earlier, however, and for a little while it had been our group of four again—best friends from high school, like a jump back in time, just that each of us had grown up in more ways than one.

Not much had changed, really, except for the fact that Tsukasa was even taller than me now than before. But we were both still flat as boards, and she was still the same meek but thoughtful girl I knew.

As for Kagami and Miyuki, they had been so tall from the start—or at least seemed that way—that I couldn't really tell how much they had grown up in the years since we were all just seniors at Ryōō High. Miyuki had started wearing her hair up in a bun, which actually fit her _really_ well, but Kagami was the same as always. Even after all these years, she had never lost her two-side-up style.

"Here we are," Miki-san's voice snapped me to attention. The car had come to a complete stop. We were parked in a tight but well-lit space I recognized as the loading zone for one of the automatic parking systems that made parking valets so obsolete all over Japan. Just like a skyscraper, it reached upwards instead of outwards. A pulley lifted your car up and slotted it conveniently into a shelf like a delicate glass bottle in a wine rack.

The Hiiragi family mom craned her neck back to look at the five of us, her four daughters plus one. "I hope you girls didn't find too much new to hate about each other."

"I mean, there's nothing left to find," Inori replied quickly, sharper than ever. "Matsuri stopped surprising me a looong time ago."

And for her part, Matsuri was immediately ready with a comeback. "I thought you'd stop sticking your nose in my business if I showed you everything there was to show. Oh boy, I was wrong!"

"No arguing," interrupted Tadao-san, whose voice was stern even though his smile was clearly visible in the rear view mirror. "Good detectives solve problems, not seek them out."

We unloaded from the car, Matsuri and Inori first, then Tsukasa, Kagami, and me. The moment I stepped outside, the night air gave me chills, but it wasn't until I left the sheltered lift zone that a full-blown shiver went down my spine. The reddish flare of the horizon had already gone completely, leaving the sky black in the absence of the sun. Like anywhere else in Japan that I had been to, the stars were hard to make out—not because they shone any less brightly here, but because we lived near the city, a place which was even brighter at night than it was in the day. Our eyes had adjusted so well that they tuned out the light of the stars. Japan had succeeded in drowning out the heavens.

Shoving my hands into my pocket, I turned around to look at the parking structure. Glass, from the first story windows to the tip-top. I could see a car in each space, every one framed in a white spotlight that made the entire building look like a giant's display case for storing toy cars. Unoccupied spots were unlit, an easy way to tell the capacity from a glance.

When I brought my eyes back down to the street, the last two Hiiragis had just got out of the car. Tadao-san stepped aside to negotiate prices with the operator, while Miki-san joined us wearing an endearing, motherly smile aimed not just at her daughters, but at me too. I was just as moved as I was speechless, as if someone had just taken my heart in their hands and literally warmed it with their breath.

Us six lined up and stood close to keep out the cold. And even though we had all seen it before, we turned to watch what would happen next. A sturdy iron-barred gate lowered over the lifting zone, whirring gently as a conveyor lowered it into place. Tadao-san finished paying the parking fee and joined us, the movements of the machine piquing even his interest. Then the lift started, taking the silvery-gray minivan up and out of sight. Our eyes went up to the top, seven pairs scanning the unlit spaces trying to predict which one would light up.

Seeing the platform carry our vehicle up into the system made me wonder how it would have like if I had still been in there, hidden in the back seat like a stowaway in a ship storage compartment. How long would the ascent take, trapped inside an elevator that led to nowhere? How was the view from the highest tier of the parking building? Would it get boring, sitting in the front seat and looking out at the world through two layers of glass?

"There!" shouted Tsukasa, who was standing right next to me. I saw her finger fly out and point to the sky at one of the topmost blocks on the building where, sure enough, I could just barely make out the front end of a minivan. "That's our car!"

Satisfied and done watching the spectacle, we turned away. Tadao-san put an arm around Miki-san's shoulder, and she put her hand about his waist. Like that, they walked ahead of us, leading the way toward two glass double doors that would welcome us in and out of the cold. Matsuri and Inori followed right behind them, already chatting in quick, quiet voices about something in their own lives, leaving the twins and I to bring up the rear.

Kagami smiled at her sister, then at me. "Let's go," she said simply and started to walk. Wheeling the suitcase along behind her, the duffel bag hoisted over her shoulder, she still managed to keep a good pace. _Just like always,_ I smiled to myself as I moved to catch up and looked back over my shoulder to motion for Tsukasa to do the same. The younger twin had been watching the parking tower, and the family car, giving it one last look of farewell before she tore herself away.

When we passed through the glass doors, and they had closed behind us with a departing rush of cold air, the constant sound of traffic—which I realized my head had subconsciously tuned out—faded. It was calm inside, like the eye of an urban storm, save for the chatter of some of the other people around us. In no rush, the three of us followed the rest of the Hiiragi family at our own pace, although making sure to keep just within running distance.

"The airport really isn't as busy on weekdays," Kagami commented, looking around. "I don't see any lines or huge crowds of people going on vacation."

On the other side of her, Tsukasa nodded in agreement. "I like it," she chimed in. "There's less risk of getting lost!"

"Remember that one time, Tsukasa? When you almost got separated from us, and we were just about to board the plane thinking you were right behind us?"

"O-oh, yeah... Ah ha ha... I remember you telling me on that plane that it was the first time you'd ever heard me yell loudly like that."

Ahead of us, Matsuri turned around and waved to us. And speaking of yelling, she called out, "Tsukasa! Come here for a sec, Inori wants to ask you something."

Surprised, Tsukasa paused our conversation there and hurried to catch up with her two older sisters. Wearing a big smile, Matsuri split from Inori and ushered her sibling in to fill the gap between them. Whatever they wanted to talk about, though, I couldn't make out. Neither could Kagami, but she seemed to have some sort of idea.

"I wonder if they're asking about her job," Kagami mused, a smile playing on her lips too. "Tsukasa told us how she started working at a restaurant as an assistant cook and server, and it's sort of become a running joke for Matsuri and Inori to pester her about when and where so they can go see her while she's working. She's not totally comfortable with her job yet, but I'm surprised she's held them off for this long."

"Tsukasa's working now?" My eyebrows went up at hearing this new development. I was with the older sisters on this one: I wanted to see Tsukasa at work too. "I should follow their lead. Detective Konatan style!"

As I referenced the most well known detective anime out there, my lips curved into a smile. It had been forever since I'd last made that joke, but we both remembered regardless. Kagami chuckled a bit, her laughter a bit deeper than how I remembered it. "You haven't said that in a while," she said, thinking the same thing as me. "Ah... Things are really different, haven't they?"

But suddenly, we weren't thinking the exact same. "What do you mean?" I asked automatically, trying to hold up the sinking in my stomach. Weren't we just like we were before? Or did she maybe think that I had grown further apart from the things that had practically defined who I was back in high school? That _was_ true to a certain extent, but I had never really lost interest in games and anime. I told her that, and she nodded slowly.

 **here**

"I had a feeling," she said with an understanding that came from years of friendship. "But, really... You've changed a lot, Konata."

Now I was surprised. To hear that from Kagami... How _had_ I changed? How many years had it been already?

"I wanna say four... three, really?" Kagami said to me, and then I realized that I had accidentally asked my question aloud. It was a little scary to know that I had been that lost in thought, but at least now I had an answer: Three or four years had passed since the end of high school, when we had promised to meet up often before parting after our post-grad celebration. "Well, all four of us have really grown up," continued Kagami. "Maybe I'm just saying that because between me, Tsukasa, and Miyuki, I've spent the most time with you. It could be that I'm just picking up on all the tiny changes."

I thought back to how I had been back in high school. Full of enthusiasm about my hobbies, full of energy around my friends and pretty much everyone else I knew, full of ennui about school and anything that wasn't "fun" to me. Could I even _pretend_ to act like that now? Thinking about it made me feel like I was looking at my own reflection in a puddle and seeing more color there than I did in the world around me.

 _No, you're right._ I agreed with her silently. For the longest time, I had felt stuck. I had seen my friends moving on with life, heard about where they were going and what they were doing. They were going on to do all these great things, and I had felt like they were leaving me behind. I had been so worried about catching up to them, I hadn't noticed the changes in myself.

Kagami suddenly slowed down and rubbed her eyes with a free hand, as if a bug had just flown into her face.

"You know, Konata, I'm gonna miss you. P-probably more than anyone else, you know?"

 _The world is ending,_ I thought and grinned. Honesty, from my Kagamin? But then I could hear her voice starting to break apart, nothing but a sad sound that made whatever I found funny expire.

"I'm just a hop, a skip, and a phone call away!" I told her, showing her a smile. "Actually, we may run into some problems with timezones, but I can become nocturnal if that's what it takes. Text me all the time, okay?"

The rest of the family was waiting in front of the baggage check for us to catch up. Then, almost too quickly for my liking, Kagami's duffel and suitcase were on the conveyor belt to be loaded into some cargo hold somewhere. When we set off again, there was no more distance between the four sisters; Matsuri, Inori, Tsukasa, and Kagami all were close enough to reach out and touch each other. But none of them said a thing.

Still ahead, Tadao-san and Miki-san were talking in low, almost murmuring voices about no topic in particular—just whatever they happened to see or think about, I could only guess.

All the while, I kept my hands in the front pockets of my pants and my eyes on the ground directly ahead so I wouldn't trip or walk into anyone. I couldn't stop thinking about what Kagami had said: all the tiny changes. Just how many of them were there, I asked myself, racking my brain for potential answers. Maybe my appearance? Cargo pants, sneakers, a sweater, and a t-shirt were clothes I had always worn, though, and my hair was down as usual. I had left it down for this occasion, rather than tie it up in a ponytail like I sometimes did.

I guess I talked a lot more before. That was a pretty obvious one; after spending a _lot_ more time by myself, I had become a lot quieter than before. Unlike in high school, in college I wasn't the girl who drew attention to herself. I even tried harder to not fall asleep in class, and for that reason my stack of book and lecture notes was actually not barren for once.

When the security checkpoint was finally within sight, I became aware of a sniffling sound to my left. I glanced casually over my shoulder and saw Tsukasa in the act of wiping her nose. Seeing my eyes on her, she hastily hid a tissue in her fist, but I had already caught on.

"Already, Tsukasa?" I let out a low laugh. "Doesn't this happen every time?"

"I... I can't help it," she sniffed and gave me a tiny lighthearted smile. But her eyes strayed past me, landing on the person that I didn't doubt was on her mind. We must have shared the same thoughts, because we both ended up gazing after Kagami, her older sister and my best friend, who was slightly ahead of the two of us.

Tsukasa wasn't that early, though. It was almost time. Our two frontrunners meandered to a stop. Any farther and they would be heading through security themselves. The five of us drew even with them and likewise came to a stop. _I guess this is where we're parting,_ I reckoned as I took my place next to Tsukasa on the edge of the Hiiragi circle.

"Here we are." Miki-san was the first to speak. "Check to make sure you have everything? Phone, wallet? It's all in your carry-on, right? Do you want any money for food before you go?" Her daughter smiled and nodded to every question, except to the last one which she shook her head and said she was fine. "Call often, okay?"

"I will, I will." Receiving all of her mother's worries with a patient sort of sympathy, Kagami moved forward and hugged her. Miki-san was usually so stoic and level-headed; this was the first time I had seen her with tears in her eyes.

I almost thought Tadao-san would follow the same pattern, but all there was in his face as he embraced his daughter was pride. "Be a good citizen," he told her, then a few more things in a voice too low for me to hear.

"Come on, Inori!" said Matsuri, hooking her by the shoulder to take Kagami in a hug from both sides. "We're tolerating each other to give you a good goodbye, Lil Sis, alright?"

The three of them messed around for a bit, the way affectionate siblings should. Once they separated, it was our turn—Tsukasa and I. As Kagami turned to face us, standing less than a meter away, next to me Tsukasa's sniffles turned into sobs.

"S-S-Sis," she choked out in between hiccups. "You're really leaving now..."

I stepped back a bit to give her some space, because Kagami was already there wrapping her in a tight hug, no space left between them. I didn't have a lot of experience with these kinds of moments. The way I had grown up, as an only child, I had never developed any kind of sisterly or brotherly bond with anyone.

"Don't cry Tsukasa," she soothed, cradling her sister's head. "Yeah, I'm leaving, but I'll always be close to you. You can call me every day until you get tired of talking to me."

The way I had grown up, living with my dad, I had never considered anyone else but him as my family.

Tsukasa shook her head and held on tighter as if Kagami would disappear the moment she let up. "I'll never get tired of talking to you, s-so promise... you'll visit whenever you can, okay?"

The way I had grown up, in the same place where I was born, I had never needed to say goodbye to anyone in the same way my best friends were saying now.

Closing her eyes, Kagami gave Tsukasa a squeeze and hummed reassuringly. "Promise. I love you, Tsukasa."

Before I knew it, it was my turn.

"Are you crying, Konata?"

 _Huh?_ I blinked and touched my cheek, catching a tear as it tried to roll down my face. "Oh. Ha, I guess I am. I didn't even realize!"

That really _was_ all that I thought about it. I wasn't embarrassed or ashamed, and there was nothing I could do about it now. I didn't want to use my sleeve to wipe it away, or turn around to try and hide it. So I squinted my eyes and raised my cheekbones a bit, meeting Kagami's eyes with the grin that I knew she knew well.

"I'm not your sister, but can I get a hug too, Kagamin?" I asked half-seriously, watching as the corners of her lips tugged upwards.

"Fine. Just this once," she said with a false air of superiority and deigned to give me a hug. I was still almost one head shorter than her—I hadn't grown, and she had actually gotten a few centimeters taller—so I stood up on my tiptoes to put my chin on her shoulder. She noticed and laughed, gently moving from side to side. "You planning on staying at this height forever?"

"I guess so. Are you gonna be six feet tall the next time I see you?"

As if our senses of humor were bound by an invisible string, we burst into a fit of giggles at the same time. Our back-and-forth was still as natural as it had ever been. "I'll miss you, Kagamin," I whispered, burying my eyes in the natural hollow of her shoulder. And I wanted to say more, but I didn't know what. "I..."

"Konata?" she asked after a few moments, her volume even lower than mine. "I'm glad I met you. Having you as my best friend was the best thing to ever happen to me."

 _That's what._ I nodded, suddenly reluctant to let go, and mumbled into her shoulder. It didn't matter whether she could hear me or not, because we had already gotten through to each other.

But it finally ended, and when Kagami pulled away, both of us had to blink away a few tears to see each other properly. "Bye," she said with a smile we both knew was bittersweet.

Those of us who were going back—me, the three remaining Hiiragi sisters, and their parents—stood in the same place as Kagami walked into the empty queue line, going around every one of the rope dividers even though she could have ducked under the lot of them and saved herself half a minute. I watched her the entire time, until she reached the front of the line and turned to wave, already far away, before going through the checkpoint.

And she was gone.

Miki-san, again, was the first one to break the silence. "Alright," she said with a note of finality. "Let's go home. It's late, but would you like to stay with us for dinner, Konata?"

I could feel all the spotlight shift onto me. Any other day, I might have felt awkward under the pressure of all their hopeful looks. However, today was different. Here was a warmth I had never felt before. "Yeah," I accepted with a grateful smile. "That'd be great."

 _ **Departure**_

 _Before then, I had never quite felt the same as I had at that time, going to the airport to see Kagami off. And chances are, nothing would ever match that feeling, the context and circumstance and effect it had on me._

 _When we four had met up a few days ago—Miyuki, the twins, and me—Kagami had broken the news to us, and it had left me unsure what to think. Flying overseas? Some sort of cosmopolitan dream? I hadn't even been able to think of an anime or manga to relate to. The three of us had been full of questions, and Kagami was answering them as well as she could. But so many things were bouncing around in my head that I could only think to pick one at random, and so I asked, "What about Kazuo?" And she answered me easily, casually, that she had told him she was following her whims and he was free to come with her. But he had declined._

 _I had spent the rest of the day in a daze, equal parts happy for her and scared for myself. At every point, I ended up with two polar truths. She was chasing her dreams; I was searching my past. She was pursuing happiness; I was fleeing sadness. She was free; so was I, but I was fine here, in the place I had lived my whole life._

 _But my way of thinking had changed again, that day at the airport. The nerd in me wants to attribute it to the power of friendship between me and Kagami, which somehow instilled optimism where there was none. However, I sort of agree. We had been friends six long years. Close friends, best friends. We shared this bond that would hold even across miles and miles of ocean._

 _If there was anyone who could change me so easily, it was her. Although some people would argue that it was me, Konata, who had really sparked that change, I don't think so. Without steel, flint couldn't make a fire. So in a way, she had given me the best thing possible: a warm, new outlook on life._


End file.
